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Friday, November 6, 2009

I'm a mess

To say this has been a hard few months sounds almost silly.
We haven't had many life altering days or tragic events but just a combination of really hard, tiring days stringed together with very little fruit - besides spiritual.

Without going into too much detail, we're just struggling much like the rest of the country - financially, but all while coming off of a missionary-support-raising budget and in the middle of trying to really figure out just what state we're supposed to be in. Nick's heart is in Boston. It just is. I feel super attached to him and what he does, but goodness - I love it here. He is working his tail off and I'm working my tail off trying to raise these kids - but it's still just confusing and hard to understand. We'll think we see what the Lord is doing and what step we are supposed to take and then, woosh - it's gone. There have been so many days like that in the past few months, I can't begin to describe.

So, by the time this last possibility arose, I felt like I could guard my heart and still pray for God's hand to move. We prayed, prayed, prayed, asked others to pray, pray, pray and it seemed hopeful - and it didn't work out.

I was with Nick when he found out and I can't begin to tell you how positive he was, how he never, ever doubts the Lord, how he is mostly concerned with how I feel - if I'm ok. And I wasn't. I wasn't angry with Him or doubting His plan or His goodness - I was just really scared of the immediate. What will happen to us? How in the world are we going to be ok? How will we get out of this mess?

I spent about an hour there. I called my mom & my sister as the kids napped, whispering, because if I talked louder than a whisper I'd start crying again - and they both gave me scripture and prayed with me. Then I just pulled out my Bible and cried to Him and over and over, I said, "this is such a mess! this is such a mess! this is such a mess!" and this is what He spoke to my heart:

I looked around and saw a house that is warm, with a roof, with food to feed our children. For today, tonight, we live here in this great house. I thought to those babes in their various sleeping apparatuses and thought - they are all healthy, all have full bellies, with no massive problems that an animal cracker and a kiss from mama can't solve. Then I thought about my husband, planning & praying, doing his best to figure out what is best for us. Working in the rain and the cold doing construction to provide as much as possible - with full faith that the Lord will take care of us.

So what's really a mess? The only mess I saw was me.
A crying, blubbering mess on the sofa, wasting my naptime solitude on some tears.

The immediate future is fine, more than fine. Blessed.
So any tears, any concerns - are for the future which could be classified as worrying which should be classified as sin. This is a temporary mess. And Lord, I pray temporary really looks temporary. I pray this is the worst it gets. But if it doesn't? What are we looking at? God will still be God. He will still be good.

Romans 8:18 says,
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

So the facts are:
- Things aren't as bad as they could be, in fact, we're blessed.
- I have no idea what the future holds and becoming a mess over it is just plain silly.
(and wasteful of a really good naptime)
- Even if the present gets much worse, it still won't be anything in comparison to the glory
(of Himself) that He that He will reveal to us.


kim said...

so glad that you were able to hear God in such a clear is so hard to remember the blessings we already have sometimes. we have been in your situation, to a varying degree, and it's so difficult, but our Lord does work out the small miracles and some pretty big ones in our lives. we just have to surrender and be patient. keep leaning in on Him, Jess! we love you and are always here for you in any way you need it!!!

indyhumes said...

We have been in this situation so many times. I think that when you seek to serve the Lord and His will, it can get very messy. It can be confusing and look like you are alone. But you are not. Your life wont look like everyone else's and it may be hard not to be envious of that. Others lives seem so planned out and things work perfectly. But if this is the path God has you on, He will provide...all the while working sanctification in you...building your character. Praying for you guys!

InthemiddleofLIFE said...

so powerful and so on target. It's the hardest question we all can ever ask, really, isn't it...What if the worst happens? Will I still trust Him? Is He still God? You have answered that - in the midst of fear and frustration - and answered in a way that honors Him. Love You. momma

Joe and Melissa said...

thank you for this.
praying for peace over you and your family.

Jill said...

crying. you have no idea how much you resonate with me. God is doing huge things in my heart, but our future after december looks to be a homeless shelter.