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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

memories of myself

feb. 2007

Do you have a period in life you like to just sit and remember?
Women do this a lot right, even so much that we have to watch it's not becoming sinful or fantastical or obsession-filled replaying of a conversation we had in 11th grade. I mean, I don't do that - but you probably do:).

One of my favorite little seasons to walk through and remember is the month or so around Elias' birth. Sometimes before I go to sleep, I'll just sort of replay what it was like the night before he was born or remember curling up on the couch with him in the afternoons. I still remember every detail of my first day home alone with him, thinking it was totally normal and necessary that I read my entire Bible time out loud to him - and when Nick called to check on us, I told him earnestly that Elias and I had been praying for him. Sweet silly mama.

So yesterday, this one conversation from that period stuck out in my head. I was sitting with the pastor's wife of our church at the time and I think Elias was maybe a week old. She had brought me lunch with another friend, and since they were both mothers - they were sweetly checking in on me. I remember telling her that I was starting to feel like myself again and she made an odd face. Ashley had a two year old and a six month old and she sweetly told me that she was barely starting to feel like her self again.

That was a little jolting to say the least. I'm not amazing at transition and I just longed to feel normal again. To recognize my thoughts and my body and to be able to piece it all together again nicely. Lost fans - I'll put it simply like this. I needed a continuum so I didn't get a crazy Daniel-Faraday-type nose bleed, right?

Anyhow, that conversation has been on my mind today because I'm STARTING, just BEGINNING to MAYBE feel like myself again. Of course, a new different version - but I'm recognizing some sensations that may be associated with being your own person in Christ... not just a baby maker. Like, my body has purposes other than growing, carrying, feeding, and rocking children. I love that it does all of those amazing things - but it did other things before too. Also, my heart can be truly burdened for things other than my children's salvation and remembering what needs to go in our bag for the playdate tomorrow.

Cjane calls it "getting her spice back". I highly suggest you read Cjane. Heres's a post she wrote that I feel like explains this inexplicable fog mamas sort of have to live in. Yeah... Cjane says it so well. Vacuum lines. I think I love vacuum lines again! And using different colored pens to write in my Bible. And praying for cities. And showering. And delighting in my husband when he talks about his passions. And writing cards to friends. And wearing shoes! All while, fulfilling this massive duty that the Lord has given me of shepherding and caring for my children.

Three years later...
I'm starting to think about possibly beginning to feel like myself again.
And that feels right on time.


I don't like when I can't articulate things well and this feels very inarticulate.
Because it is so hard to describe, right?! This crazy fog!
Any one else want to weigh in about this foggy season or another? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Let's talk here.


Anonymous said...

I still remember CLEARLY the day my Mother left after she stayed with us when Anna Grace was born. I think I begged her not to leave me and then layed on the floor tightly gripping her ankle. It was awful. I might be myself again. Maybe. But I am enjoying this season. Sleeping through the night again and loving what the Lord is doing. I am glad you are yourself. In fact I would love to see yourself and your fam when you guys are back this way. ;)

daniel, alinna, and ruby. said...

i know you don't know me.. i'm alinna (a friend of kalle's recently reunited to her since college) and i one hundred and twenty something percent know what you're talking about. my little ruby turned one yesterday, and it's hard at times for me to explain to my husband, and anyone, about the "fog". i know i'm still "me", but i often am not sure how to figure out how who i was before ruby and who i am since her combine to make who i now am. it's very weird.. but it was very comforting to read this. thanks.

Rachel said...

yes, a fog. one of those did I brush my teeth and put on deoderant/pack the sippy cups/where are the shoes/who has poop/what's for breakfastlunchdinner/I really wish I had time for a pedicure fogs. most days I'm perfectly ok with this amazing fog. the new me may be a little bit more frumpy, and tired and have different priorities than before but I can feel me coming through the fog. we should have one big welcome back party for all of us who know what it's like and have survived to tell about it!

Anonymous said...

my tent is still small: my days are efficient yet steady, probably classifiable "boring," i make a meal plan, shower, am organized and have daily chores....yada yada, and again, am classifiably boring, but hey- I'M NOT OVERSTIMULATED! seriously. so in my little world with the 2 going on 3 babies, i am myself yet not overdoing it. love--jill

kim said...

totally feel ya, friend. and so glad you feel you are nearing that place of knowing yourself again. even if it doesn't happen, it's fun to dream. we have to dream about something, right?!
so, totally related to this in my opinion, i ran into 2 different people i worked with today at the mall and here i am pushing my stroller, pregnant, with my toddler. i spilled a coffee in jcrew as i'm talking to a visual designer i used to know and saying "this is my new job!" after he asked what i'm doing now. so, i could have felt like a complete loser in this situation, but i GENUINELY felt so glad for my place in this new world of mine and so sorry for everyone i left behind in my career. they both seemed so...unsatisfied. and worried about the future. i remember that like it was yesterdsay! now, having my new "job" which the Lord has bestowed upon me and His love and grace for all the days of my satisfying. i'm actually living one of those moments right now where i feel more myself than EVER! what a blessed place to be! i know i'm about to enter the "fog" again (which i too, know too well) with a new little one, but i'm going to really marinate in this place right now. thank you for making me realize that today!