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Friday, October 28, 2011

peace that passes.

Hey friends. Today, I'm so thankful to have Jacqueline from babEblessings posting here today. We recently overhauled her blog design & I'm so excited about it. 
Check out her super encouraging post below and then hop over to her blog to check it out!

Peace that passes all understanding is just that. In moments when our brain says PANIC WORRY FEAR, our heart is saying God is in control, let it go and just be still.
I didn’t really understand this until February 4th this past year.

There were so many moments on our journey when we forced ourselves to be at peace. Mostly because we didn’t have any control over the situation and putting energy into worry or stressing wasn’t going to change the outcome. Being put on bedrest, two bouts of preterm labour, the second ending with Grayson’s birth; in those situations we just let it go, but we forced ourselves to let it go. There were moments when all I did was worry, being in bed 24/7 just waiting for the calendar to change to know that we stayed pregnant for another day. Wondering if we were going to have a baby 11 weeks earlier than he should be meeting us, and having the medical team amazed that I was still pregnant a week later. And finally just letting go of it all and getting excited to meet my son after 48 hours of labour ended in my water breaking. We forced ourselves to be at peace. To be honest the fact that we hadn’t yet met Gray made it easier, in those moments he was still a concept, we hadn’t met our son.

And then February 4th happened.
Gray was having a rough day, after 4 days of ‘acting his weight’ he decided to act his age, and he would stop breathing for a moment. The episodes were coming more often and lasting longer, and it was harder to wake him when he would stop breathing. When it came time for Brian and I to head back to the hotel I couldn’t go, I couldn’t leave Gray alone in the hospital. So Brian headed back to the hotel and I stayed by Gray’s side. And the episodes kept coming. So the doctor was called in to assess the situation. The nurses had talked to the doctor previously that day, but after more than a few episodes in an hour they decided that something needed to be done, and the doctor agreed.

She ordered some tests, including a lumbar puncture, and informed me that if he continued to stop breathing they would have to intubate him. The strong face came out for the doctor and the medical team, but as soon as I hit the hallway I was on the phone in tears to Brian asking him to come back to the hospital. We were over and hour away from our family so we just has us. I got back to my room, which overlooked the parking lot, and knowing Brian was on his way, I dialed my mom. There seem to be moments when we all need our moms, and this was one of them.

My mom worked in medicine and knew the medical side of things, but she was also my mom and such a strong woman in her faith. So I stood watching the parking lot, tears starting to roll down my cheeks on the phone with my mom letting the fear take over. And then my mom began to pray. Praying for Gray and his lungs and his body, and the medical team and wisdom, and for Brian and I. For peace that passes all understanding to be upon us as we stood by our son. And immediately I felt this wave of calm rush over my body. The tears stopped, and my heart stopped racing, and my head cleared of all the ‘what ifs’. I saw Brian pull into the parking lot, and started to make my way back to the NICU to join him. 

praying over my little guy
When I arrived they were intubating Grayson. He had been moved to a different bed, a bigger part of the pod that could deal with the extra equipment. I stood there holding my husband looking at my 5 day old baby hooked up to a machine that was in control of his breathing. My world was crumbling around me and as I look back on it I wonder how I was so calm, and that’s when I realize it wasn’t me that was calm, it was God in control and his peace that was keeping me calm.

After the medical team had G all set up and stable they allowed us back by his bed side. Brian stayed for about an hour, and then being the level headed guy that he is, decided he should head back to the hotel so that at least one of us was rested the next day. I stayed by Gray’s side all night, praying over him, talking to him, singing to him.

I have prayed peace over many many people in my life; prayed for peace that passes all understanding over people in a situation, but until recently I didn’t really understand what it really was. Now I know. My head was saying, PAINC FEAR WORRY, but my heart blocked that all out and allowed me to just be at peace.
Gray and I have a song now, a song that calms him down no matter what. 

Listening to our song, our theme song for the NICU

Head on over to my newly renovated blog to find out more about our song. Jessi even created a great print for me that you can download.
I hope that I have touched at least one of you today.
Blessings All

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