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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

nicole's sweet story of loss & hope.

Hi all!! My name is Nicole and I blog over at The Style Hatch. I'm a shop owner, wife, and momma.

I'm so honored that Jessi is allowing me to share a little of my heart with you today. I have three babies, two of which never made it full term. I was never able to hold these babies, to experience the joys of their 'firsts', or to even name them. They are in heaven. I can't say that it gets any easier for me, even 2 1/2 years later. It still hurts, I'm still sad over these losses. For me, the best thing has been to finally start sharing my story.

I have to track back a little first. Ever since I hit 'women-hood' I have had serious 'lady issues'. Doctors told me for as long as I can remember that they were not sure if I would even be able to conceive a child. The news of this broke me inside. Ever since the young age of 10- all I have wanted to do in life is be a mom. Even when I went through "I don't need a man" phases, I planned on adopting or heck even artificial insemination because I have always wanted to walk around with a baby bump.
We started trying to conceive our wedding night. That was in September 2009.

Every month I would wait- and nothing would happen.
I remember our first Christmas as a married couple. I was hoping that I would be sharing grand news of a pregnancy with our families. Instead I was depressed and sick as a dog- depressed because everyone seemed to be getting pregnant, except for me -which we knew I was probably never going to be anyways. Christmas Eve we spent with Lukes parents. I clearly remember running up the stairs right after prayer to throw up. Luke told me his brother looked at their father and said "maybe you're going to be a grandfather again" Not likely since I was not having much luck in the 'trying department'.
I have always had very abnormal cycles so to be late is nothing knew to me. But to be late and extremely sick made me wonder enough to go buy a test. And it was positive, 10 tests later and I myself was finally positive. I rushed to Babies R Us and picked up 2 bibs. One that said "My dad's cooler than your dad" and the other said "my mommy rocks". That night I placed them under the blankets of Lukes side of the bed and made sure to be brushing my teeth in the master bathroom so I could watch his reaction. It was dark in the room so it took him a few seconds to figure out what was laying on his pillow, and then he just looked at me. I was finally going to be a mommy, we we're finally going to be parents.

The weeks went on and I continued to get sick. One day I started having some cramping at work. I asked if I could leave and the office manager told me I would be written up if I did (it was a horrible place to work). The cramping didn't stop so the next morning I took my chances and called work stating I was going to the doctor. This is where the story gets tough folks. I remember sitting in the office for them to call my name. This office didn't schedule your first ob visit until you were 11-12 weeks. I was about 9 weeks along, and scared. My name was called to have an ultrasound done. She couldn't find a heartbeat and said she saw something so maybe I was just still to early. After the ultrasound I lost more blood than I ever remember and that's when I knew something was wrong. She tried reassuring my by saying sometimes you spot after having one- but I knew the difference. I was to wait back in the waiting room until the doctor was ready. I remember looking up at the time and caught the 2 receptionists whispering and staring at me. I found it odd but wasn't sure what to think or say.
The nurse called me back and should me to my room. I sat on the bed in the room and then she blurted out "Well, this sucks for you doesn't it?"
A shocked me replied: "Excuse me?"

She then said: "oh they didn't tell you, you're not pregnant, that must suck, huh?"
At this time I lost it and started bawling. Looking back I wish I would have yelled at her. The doctor quickly came in and said I wasn't pregnant. I told him about my 10 positive sticks & my symptoms. He then wanted some blood work taken in fears that I was having an ectopic pregnancy which would take 1-5 days to get back. So basically I left broken hearted knowing I was pregnant but being told I wasn't anymore.

The next day I got a phone call from the doctors office. When I answered it I was greeted with a "Congrats". "For what?" I replied. "You're pregnant!"
I am... I mean yes I know that- but they told me I wasn't. The nurse nervously said she would talk to the doctor but my test showed that I was 8-9 weeks along. Duh, I knew this already. She told me she would call me back once she heard something. I never heard back from the doctors office- NEVER.
I had no clue what to do- I was an emotional wreck. My friend, Kelsey heard the news and emailed me. She had miscarried a year prior and was now full term with their daughter. She was so full of words that I had longed to hear from someone, after all she knew what I was going through more than anyone else I knew. A few days later, Kelsey gave birth to a stillborn baby girl- just 2 weeks before her due date. I tell you this because the doctors first diagnosed Kelsey with a rare blood clotting condition called MTHFR. Little did I know that everything she was to find out would help me later on.

In April I had the same sick feeling that I remembered from December and took a test. Positive again. This time was going to be different, but I was so nervous. I ate healthy, tried to stay positive, and prayed. But it happened again. I had lost the baby. I was 6 weeks along. My friend, Kelsey at this time encouraged me to go get blood work done to see if I had any blood disorders. I remember going in for the appointment on my birthday, June 4th and begging the doctor to do all the tests possible. She finally agreed to it and 12 vials of my blood were sent to the lab. By this time I was just hoping that they found something, anything- I'm the kind of person that just wants an answer as to why. The test came back, all negative but one- MTHFR Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. Basically this is a very rare blood based disease that causes me to not produce enough folate, which is a vital vitamin for fetal development. In cases it can also cause blood clotting, which is what the doctors originally thought my friend, Kelsey had. I was put on 3000 times the recommended amount of folic acid for a pregnant women (yes, that's how deficient they said my body is of it).

Luke and I tried conceiving all summer long with nothing. I finally decided that it was out of my control and the Lord knew his plans for us. We said that if we were not pregnant by August, then we would stop trying. And we did. I had to realize that this was all out of my control, and I may never carry a child full-term. I was a mommy, I just never got the chance to meet my babies. They were in heaven, and what a sweet place to be. I grew closer to the Lord, stronger than I ever remember being to Him in my life. After all I felt like He was the only one I had to talk to- the only one that understood my pain. Nobody in my family did, and it was a no-no topic to even speak about. But I longed to speak about it, I needed to speak about it.

Conceiving in July was my last option of becoming a mom anytime soon as far as I was concerned, and it didn't happen- so we decided to stop trying. But I guess the Lord had other plans for us. Because September 2010, at 3 weeks and 2 days I got to read this.

Because of God's grace, I was pregnant and this time it was different. I had a great doctor keeping a close eye on me. And I was more sick with this baby than I was with my other two. I was extremely nervous throughout my pregnancy with L, and still had minor complications during my pregnancy with him.

We welcomed our sweet baby boy into the world on May 13, 2011. I was blessed to have an amazing drug free labor to a 9lb 13 oz gift from God!

I am so thankful that my friend did encourage me to get those tests. I love her with all of my heart and she is the strongest women I have ever met. I'm happy to say that she has a beautiful baby girl, who was born July 2010.

I've blogged about my birth story here and here.

I'm so thankful for the honest words from my sponsors these last few days. 
And I can't wait to "see" you guys again soon. I'll be back Thursday with lots and lots of words.

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