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Monday, January 14, 2008

Tears

I think it's safe to say that babies cry, for the most part, because they can't express what's happening to them. They are in pain or they hurt, or maybe they're just itchy - but they can't just out and out explain it, so they let it flow.

A good part of my heart is trying intensely hard to be fine, to feel like I'm not devastated by the distance to the women that hold my heart back in the Carolinas. The steady refrain that is on repeat is screaming, "You have all of eternity to be with them - you have one life to answer Christ's call. Buck up, deal with it, and don't even think about shedding a tear." The problem is, my brain works very, very well and it is loud and stubborn. Rationality wins out hour after hour after hour - and I know the truth: This is not that bad. God will reunite us. They have a purpose to fulfill there and I have a purpose to fulfill here. I have my husband, which is so much of a gift. I have a few friends here, which is more than I should ask for.

But every so often, I feel like a six month old, who can't verbalize what's wrong. I'm lonely - but no, that's not it really. I feel like I have no one to talk to, but I honestly do. The phone works, people are nearby. Everything seems totally normal on the outside - I'm just hurting. I'm just in pain and can't express it, even to myself. For these times... I could not be more thankful for the Holy Spirit - who is constantly groaning and interceding on my behalf. If that's theologically or biblically wrong, I don't want to know. If I'm misinterpreting, please don't tell me. Right now the comfort I'm receiving from believing that the wind of God is carrying my heart up to Jesus and He understands is what's getting me through.

Jesus - He's my Savior and He's even better than the woman I saw on Oprah once who could interpret babies cries.

8 comments:

staci said...

i love you

Mother Teresa said...

Jessi, Angela gave me the link to your blog. I am excited to follow you on your new mission ! I understand your post today. I remember when Angela moved to Charlotte, my heart HURT but I knew she was following the path God had intended for her. So, as you know, the first thing a loving parent does when their baby cries is to pick them up and hold them in their arms. Jessi, rest in your loving Saviors arms, he will give you peace.

Teresa Shaw (Angela's mom)

Anonymous said...

it is so sweet and yet makes me tear up to think about you feeling lonely or missing your family. I think it is amazing what you and Nick have done and you are SO right when you say you have eternity to spend with them so why freak out now...... but you must be telling yourself that constantly. I know they must miss you terribly too!!! you guys are amazing and I LOVE reading your blog everyday (or when you post!) You are a blessing to anyone who knows you!!

~ Erin Melton

Candice & Daniel said...

powerful. i couldn't think of a better way to describe that... :)

Lauren said...

Jess... You are so amazing... I pray that you continue to be comforted. I love you so much!

Angels All Around! said...

Listen to me, Missy! We (your family) love you and support everything that you do. We also know that you will (at some point) be back with us again. Just know that our hearts hurt as badly as yours but I know what you are doing is so very important!

I love you,
Barb

Milovy said...

Yes, yes, I know that feeling. You're grieving a change and it's ok.

Cry if you want. Love you.

ktabs said...

I'm right there with you...grieving change...and I'm not even across the country. What's funny is that when I think of my circumstance and feel that hurt inside that you can't describe (even though everything really is ok) I actually think of you and Nick, and Shawn and Kalle and say "well, if they can do THAT, then i surely can get through this stage of my life." I even had a dream about coming to visit you and Nick last night, strangely. I think it's God's way of keeping you all top of mind so that I can continually be in prayer for the changes we are facing. I pray comfort will be blown your way...