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Sunday, April 6, 2008

my little roaring lamb

In the past three weeks, two days, and ten hours - our little lamb has grown into a mighty fine baby. She's certainly gone from docile newborn to fierce little lady. As I type, Nick and I are passing our little bundle back and forth - she's in one of her pissy moods & we're feeling a little like pawns in her infantile chess game of life.

I've been thinking a good deal about her over the last four days or so. Somewhere around Thursday, she started looking just really beautiful & almost enchanting to me. I think most of that phenomenon is due to the fact that she's growing out of her little baby-face & growing into her little-girl-face. Where everything on Elias is thick like porkchop limbs, all of Glory's body parts are long, slender, & lean. When she's awake, every few minutes, she stretches her arms & legs erect in front of her - taunting me with her skinny little body - reminding me that one day I'll sit at home terrified that some man other than her daddy is noticing her tiny dancer body.

But also, I know partly she is looking so beautiful to me because my heart is finally able to be vulnerable with her. I was so scared of her, of being hurt by her. Since we first heard about the possibility of Trisomy, my brain just switched to tactical and pragmatic - my emotion and deep love for her only came to the surface for a brief moment when she was born. I remember looking past my sister, into Glory's face, while I was still being operated on - and saying over and over again "she looks like me! she looks like me!". But then for weeks afterwards, I couldn't see it. Just last week I was able to see it again - she has my ugly sleeping habits, my same fussy face, & every once in a while I really feel like I'm looking back at myself. In so many ways, she makes me appreciate my own awkward smiles & silly grins - just because they are so breathtaking on her.

So today we got some test results back from a recent brain ultrasound she had, and it's been confirmed that she has mild hydrocephalus. It's nothing tragic and it isn't at all life-threatening - worst case scenario she'll need to have surgery to have a shunt installed to drain the fluid from her brain. Even still - sitting on the stairs this morning, on the phone with the pediatrician, I felt that desperate crazy love for her welling inside of me. I was angry, angry, angry with the Lord for a few minutes until my sister called with a good word. She was praising God for a whole other situation and telling me that He is ABLE, and when I finally broke down and told her what was going on - she encouraged that crazy desperate love in me, reassuring me that Glory needs me to love her that crazy way. She needs her momma to fight for her in prayer & in life.

So tonight I'm thankful for my little lamb, my beefy hunky son, and the intense scary love that God put in me to be their momma. They & their Daddy hold my heart and that is vulnerable and uncomfortable but it teaches me to rely on Jesus & it teaches me how big His love is for me.


kellybollman said...

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through LOVE." Gal. 5:6
I'm learning that our faith shows its activity through love. Your love and thus faith strengthens mine sweet friend.

jasonbradley said...

Thanks for this lovely and vulnerable post Jessi. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who has blessed us IN HIM with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms." I will be praying that you and Nick find the ways that the Lord is speaking and blessing into you these spiritual blessings - found in Jesus - for fully living and embracing and leading your wonderful little family and for using the many gifts He's given you. Blessings. Jason

Amy Horne said...

She is absolutely gorgeous. I can't believe that she is nearly a month old. Oh my goodness! Glory and your entire family are in my prayers.

Milovy said...

It's amazing to read about this journey your heart is going on. I am praying for Glory's health and wellness. The Lord can do anything and I know he can heal her fully. Love you.

Elizabeth Bowen said...

So glad you found me! Can't believe how beautiful both of your children are! Lauren Hogan, a great friend of mine from high school is working with you now. Take care of her. She is truly special.