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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

a true story by Devan (and come on with those cute twins)

((Hi friends! Jessi here. This week my fam & I are finishing up a big road trip and so I've asked some of my precious friends to share with you. I've told them they can talk about ANYTHING - but I'm specifically praying through the idea of blogging a true story, so here is a true story from them. Enjoy. ))

The Beautiful Mess
 At the end of October, my husband and I welcomed two sweet girls into this world. Two babies at the same time. Oh. My. Stars. After my heart exploded from joy and my mind wrapped around the fact that they were mine to keep, I started to reflect on the reality of the blessing they were. And I began to feel guilty. GUILTY. 
Ever since finding out we were pregnant with twins the most common question we were asked was, 'Are they natural?' {To which I wanted to respond,'No, they're made from play dough.' But I didn't because that would be rude, right?} The short answer is 'no.' The long answer is the work of a few miracles and tremendous blessing. When I was 19 and diagnosed with PCOS, I was told to be ready for the fact that I may not be able to have children. So a few months after my husband and I got married (at the ripe old age of 27) we decided we better get started on trying. We didn't know if it would be a long journey through IVF/adoption or if our family would get started sooner than we thought. Either way, we were ready. My doctor put me on a fertility med called Clomid and, that first month, it worked like a charm. {She later asked if we were mad at her because it was twins. Umm. Heck. No.}

But this is where the guilt part starts. Shortly after the girls were born I had this feeling of doom. I'm not sure if it was due to a tiny hint of the baby blues or the guilt I was feeling at being so blessed or maybe a little of both. I was so happy and so many great things were happening in my life--surely, I felt, I was due for something bad. Because I was so undeserving of these two little girls. In fact, I was the least deserving person I knew. There are amazing women close to me that are trying to have a baby and month after month it doesn't happen. There are some struggling with miscarriages. Two different sets of twin boys born to friends had to spend weeks in the NICU and my girls were home with me after 4 days. {Sidenote: Three sets of twins born to teachers at my school in the last 3 years is kind of impressive. I'm convinced that little elementary school is built on some sort of fertile ground.} So many people ask, 'Why me?' in times of heartache. But I was asking, 'Why me?' in my season of joy. I was almost expecting something horrific to happen to balance it out. I was wearing my own insecurity and distrust of my Lord on my sleeve. And it was starting to tarnish my joy. When I wrote about the girls' birth story I ended it with this verse: 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

The Beautiful Mess
I was focusing on that first part...where these two sweet blessings came from when really I should have focused more on the second part of that verse--WHO did they come from? And what is HIS character like? He is not shady, sneaky, or spiteful. He is trustworthy. And I can trust Him just as much in my joy as I can in my times of heartache. He doesn't change. In fact, He WANTS to bless me. And my joy and thankfulness in that time should overflow to His glory.
The Beautiful Mess
I am happy and JOYFUL and THANKFUL. But that doesn't change the heavy heart I have for my dear friends struggling with infertility, miscarriages, and scary NICU situations. And their heartache doesn't change the joy they have for me. There is room for both. 

My life may be "too wonderful" for me to understand right now (but so is the God I serve...just read Genesis 18:14 and Psalm 139:6). Too good to be true. But it is true. And I know that there will be times of heartache as we grow as a family. But, more importantly, I know I can trust the Maker of these sweet babies because He is trustworthy. No matter what.
The Beautiful Mess

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