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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

i'm worried too.

The pictures from this post are from our mother's day weekend. 
Isn't mothers day interesting? I think and think about how I'd like to be pampered and then when the day comes, I'm always overwhelmed with how incredibly exceedingly blessed I am. A manicure? Really, I think I deserve a manicure? 
Psh. 

It's God's grace that I DON'T get what I deserve and His rich mercy that I DO get what I don't deserve.                          Like Elias Powell, Gloriana Eloise, and Benjamin Haddon. 

Some deep motherhood thoughts below. 


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I'll tell you the truth, I'm worried too. 


Last week, on the facebook - it seemed like this post, and a few similar ones, went viral. 
Posts encouraging mamas to put the phones down and don't. miss. this. 
These few precious years, these precious kiddos, this precious calling. 


precious arrow necklace my man got me.
And I'm there ya'll. I'm there. I'm convicted. I'm humbled. I'm worried. 
I've been feeling it rise up in my heart the last month or so. 
When we first moved to Fort Wayne, for the first month, I was in 110% kid mode. Mama mode. 


I worked a little, but mostly I was keeping my two eyes on their six eyes - knowing this was a hard transition for them and wanting to be absolutely completely there. Also, we were living with another family and it just worked to have 100% family time instead of mama tap-tap-tapping on the laptop in the other room time. 


this coo-coo-cachoo. 


But truly, what happened was, my identity took a hit. 
And once we moved into our own house and started setting up our own rhythms, my feeble and sinful heart panicked. I felt lonely from moving and my coping mechanism was to put on, add on, increase the identity that I could control - the worker bee in me. 
And it was sinful and it was uncomfortable and it wasn't best. 


My gracious and wise husband has a face, a posture of his heart and body, that he can use with me that imparts truth without condemnation. And when that face is set upon his, I know - I know to search my heart and ask the Lord, "what is it that is hurting him? burdening him? what is that I'm doing?". Sometimes I sinfully and stubbornly live through it and look past it, but I could tell something was weighing on him - so I asked the Lord and I finally asked Nick. 


And he lovingly reminded me the Lord has given us some exciting ministries, but He has given me one real job. Them. Elias. Gloriana. Benjamin. And when I'm with them, I gotta be with them. And the work that doesn't get done, just doesn't get done. And it's ok. 


And I'll tell you what, I'm sick over that month. And I'm nervous for the next. But His kindness and grace have led me to repentance and His kindness and grace will lead me to wisdom for the new season. For the exciting opportunities, for the fun side ministries - but mostly for the main job, the real job. For the spending time with them. 


four precious robin babies who live on my porch.
two hatched, I think. they're a lot scarier looking when they hatch. 


And all this is to say. I'm worried too. I'm sharpened and it hurt a little. I couldn't read that article and indignantly cross my arms and say "hmph. those mamas with their faces buried in their iphones. shame on them." PS - I have a campaign against the phrase "shame on them" - A of all, because we NEVER want shame to fall on anyone. Conviction, yes. Shame, never. And B of all, because there's always something you could or should be feeling conviction about yourself. So I'm not looking down on you ladies who struggle like me, but I'm also unwilling to ignore the tug at my heart and say those women don't know me. Don't understand. It doesn't matter if you don't know my reasons or my schedule or my rhythms. The fact remains, my kids need more of me. 


I have no new wisdom to offer. I won't even share my plan because I'm asking the Lord for it each day. For the grace and the wisdom just for me. If you're there with me. If you're worried too, in the best possible way, that you might have missed a month and don't want to miss the next one - tell me below. And during one of those times that they don't need me, I'm going to sneak back here to the comments and pray for you. Pray for us. 
For wisdom and grace. 
To be there when we need to be. 


I love you ladies.
Jess


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ps - here is my vow to you. 
I write about motherhood almost never on here, because it's the part of my life I feel the weakest in. But the truth is, there is hope because Christ is in me. 
Because He's growing me and moving me, and because I can boast in my weaknesses when His power is made perfect in them. 
So that subject isn't off limits anymore. 

5 comments:

Rinny said...

I'm rebuked. Thanks friend.

Christa said...

Jessi. I am so there. I struggle so much with balancing everything and all the while my kids stand by waiting for me to pick them, give them my full attention. That sentence sounds a but more dramatic than it really is. I DO pick them, play with them, spend real time with them, but I confess I have a hard time putting the phone, project, calendar, book, etc. away. It's an ugly side of me that I have been fighting for a long time. It makes me uncomfortable and deeply convicts me for I love being a mama. I love being MY kids' mama. I have been asking te Lord to help me and I know He will, He has! I still need more grace and more self-control. We struggle and pray and persevere together, friend! Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable and excuse my seriously long winded response. :)

Aly @ mommie diaries said...

I've been feeling convicted about this very thing over the last few weeks. just in my own heart, by the Lord. I've been pushing it down though, until you wrote this. it's my last call. He really is trying to get the message across and I do need to listen.

I don't want my sweet girls' only memories of their mama to be her face glued to the computer screen or tapping away at her phone or scrolling thru a twitter feed. I mean seriously? i have wonderful memories of my mom, who was 100% engaged with us, all.day.long (at least it seemed that way) and I'm the only one who can change that for my babies. it starts now, as soon as I hit publish on this comment ;) phone is down and I'm completely engaged.

sarah said...

Girl, I am SO there. Thank you for sharing this.

mandy_wood1229@yahoo.com said...

HOLLA, it's nice to know someone you love so much struggles the same way you do. I guess misery DOES love company! Praying for you as you pray for me. Thanks for your heart!