This past weekend I got to share my heart with a few of my in-real-life-sister-friends at my church. We do a monthly meeting where we come together and eat goodies and catch up and one of us shares a little of the red letters of the Bible, the words of Jesus, and how they're affecting us. Last week was nutty and Friday was a worknight for me, so when Saturday morning rolled around - it was 8:30am and I had about two hours to put some words together to bring to them.
I headed straight to Matthew 23.
Matthew 23 contains some risky words from Jesus. Words meant to build us up and give us life, even if they sting a little. I highly suggest reading it slowly and completely. I myself, felt like I had tunnel vision straight on verses 25 and 26.
Because as we women sat around talking about relationship and pride and confession and accountability, the Lord was gently and sweetly stirring and churning my heart up. Another gal talked about the problem of when you recognize that you're in any sort of seat of influence with other people, how it's so incredibly tempting to stop showing the inside of your cup to others. You don't want to share with them the icky in your soul because then - will you lose your influence with them? Will they be scared of you? Will you have to actually repent of the things they might see in there?
And I thought of you all. I thought of the internet and this blog. It's no secret that any influence or voice the Lord gave me was gained through the process of tipping my cup. I'm feeling overwhelmed with motherhood (tip my cup). I'm struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies (big tip of the cup). Hey ya'll, I lost my baby (lots of yuck in this cup). We're moving. We're moving again. We're moving again... (the bottom of my cup is moldy & smelly).
This blog has never ever been about a clean outside of the cup.
It's always always been about sharing the broken and the One who heals the broken.
But I think my friend is right. You let enough people see inside and you'll start believing the lie that it's not wise to show anyone what you're really dealing with. So you sit down to your virtual or real-life coffee date, with your shined up (on the outside) cup and you pretend to enjoy your coffee - when in reality, it tastes like the moldy cereal that one of your kids left in there and you forgot to clean out. You plaster a smile on your face even though each sip is making you more and more sick to your stomach.
So I'll going to be going back to my roots, by the power of the Holy Spirit.
In real life, in my words, online.
Admitting that this is very much a dirty cup - for God's glory.
Because if I pretend it's already spotless, I can't let Him do any of the cleaning.
Which is no good, right?