My Before Heart

This is the third post in a series about my journey with Revelation Wellness. 

The last time I blogged about the journey I'm on with Revelation Wellness, I talked about being humbled and hopeful enough to take a "before" picture. It was a little scary putting a picture of myself, unedited, in not the most flattering clothes or lighting on the internet for all to see - but it was also refreshing to be honest and real about where I'm at. It got me thinking - I really wish I could give an adequate "before picture" of my heart at the start of this process. Maybe for some of you it would be really familiar and maybe for some of you it would be shockingly disturbing, I'm not quite sure. 

I had a few people email, text, or comment after that post and say - "you know you're not seriously obese, right?" and I get it. I've always known that the really serious issue with my health and my heart as it pertains to weight has never been the number on the scale - but the state of my spiritual and emotional health. It was that reality, my heart reality, that made me reach out to Alisa to get help in the first place, not my weight or my frustration over not being a certain size. 

Without trying to sound too dramatic or being an intense Debbie Downer on a Thursday morning - can I just tell you guys, my heart before picture was really really bad? I'm 29 now, but this is an internal battle I've been fighting for LITERALLY as long as I can imagine. My earliest, earliest memory of relating to my body is of genuinely hating it. My major life occurrences and celebrations are dotted and lined with the memory of what size I was or how I felt about my body that day. My strongest memory from my wedding? Not having my eyes locked with my husband as I walked down the aisle, but genuinely questioning whether or not my back looked fat those sitting in the pews. My body, or my feelings about my body, have given me social anxiety and have led to insecurity that hurt my relationships. These thoughts and issues have affected my intimacy with my husband, my freedom to play with my kids, and they've dulled my passion to minister to other women. 

My hatred for my body was at an all time high a month or so ago, even though my body weight wasn't. Maybe you're thinking that's incredibly sad (you're right) or maybe that sounds incredibly familiar (I'm sorry). 

Well, here's the good news gals. That was my before picture. And it's one that is literally never coming back. Two days into my study with Revelation Wellness, I had more freedom than I'd ever had. A week in, I was starting to feel like a new woman. Yesterday, at the start of my fourth week - I found myself standing in front of the mirror, praising God for my stretch marks and the parts of my body that would've left me in tears a few weeks ago. I kept laughing through happy tears and wondering, "who is this girl? where is this coming from?". 

I'm not sure who this girl is, but I know who my faithful God is. He is the One who is not satisfied with the before picture. He is the One who says that if we seek Him, He will be found. He is the One who says that it is for freedom that He sent His Son to free us. He's really the One doing the work and I am so incredibly grateful. And I'll just keep telling the story. 

If you can relate to my before heart picture, I cannot suggest spending some time on the Revelation Wellness site enough. Be encouraged by Alisa, try an at-home program, watch a few free videos. Don't stay in the before. Hope for the after. 

my humbled & hopeful before picture

This is the second post in a series about the weight loss/transformation 

plan I'm doing through Revelation Wellness - Weigh Less to Feed More. 

I've been craving that before and after picture. Occasionally bloggers I love will post one on instagram and I'm just inspired and floored. A few weeks ago, when Stephanie "Honey Holden" posted a before + after picture from her wellness journey, I immediately messaged her and just told her how inspired I was by her. I'd see those pictures and just hope, pray, hope - that one day I could have a before & after picture. But there was one major problem. I wasn't willing to have a "before". 

I told Alisa, I'm not sure what led me to breaking down and emailing her and I don't even super remember doing it. I sort of knew in the back of my head that I'd be seeing her at Jesus at the Core later that month, but it was definitely an impulse decision. Now, a few weeks later - I have a a few of her incredible teachings under my belt. I have her daily accountability and the workbooks on my desk that I'm pouring over every chance I get. And sure enough, this past weekend, I got to meet her sweet self (and pick her up! - see pic below) at Jesus at the Core. The event in and of itself was so incredibly life giving. Alisa, along with Brooke Boon of Holy Yoga (and their amazing team of helpers) spoke so much truth over us as we moved our bodies and the Lord moved in our hearts. But you know what was the predominant feeling I had? I was crazy humbled. 

I've gained and lost over 50 pounds twice since I was 18. I've read more vegan cookbooks and articles on metabolism than I could count. I have studied nutrition and stood on the scale, but still - this is where I am. My heart, is kind of a mess as it relates to body image. My body, is out of shape and not where it once has been. I need wisdom. I need leading. I need the Lord. 

I'm two weeks in and I'll tell you this - the Lord is showing up. I am truly walking in new found freedom as it relates to some serious food addictions I had. I am starting to agree with the Lord that He will, He IS, doing a new thing and He is growing me. I'm seeing fruit as it pertains to my body and what it is able to do. But a few weeks ago? I knew what I needed to do - I needed to take a before picture. I needed to admit that I needed help. So, even though she never asked for it, I took one and sent it to Alisa. I told her - this is my before picture that I've never wanted to take. Instead of hiding and never growing, I want to be humbled and hopeful. 

And now I can even share it on the internet with joy. 

No funky camera angles or instagram filters. No flattering outfits or makeup to distract you. 

This was me a few weeks ago, and by God's grace I'll never be that girl again because as my body is growing and finding freedom, my heart is leaping ahead - never looking back. 

In hope. 

In humility. 

Because it is for freedom that we've been set free. 

If you're looking for freedom as it pertains to health + wellness, I can't suggest checking out Revelation Wellness enough. Alisa has at home programs, online programs, videos, and so much more. She is all about Jesus and she is out for freedom for women. 

let's talk about it.

I emailed Alisa from Revelation Wellness in a fury before I changed my mind. 
I'd been looking over her website for weeks, knew I was going to meet her at the Jesus at the Core event, and I just had to bite the bullet and ask for her help. 

I started blogging over seven years ago because it was such a sweet place to process the tender parts of my heart. I could write and process and then also share what the Lord was doing, in the hopes that other women would be encouraged. Over time I found what I think a lot of bloggers find out - it gets harder and harder to talk about the REALLY tender parts, because then the whole world knows and you feel exposed and it's just not a great way to feel. And that was my story with blogging about food, weight loss, body image, etc. I talked a little bit about it after having Cannon, but mostly I realized I had nothing to say. Nothing has changed in my body and very little has changed in my heart after a year of having our fourth baby. I haven't lost a pound (and kept it off) and I haven't lost the icky feeling that I don't recognize this body I live in. 

I had my first meeting with Alisa this past week and I sat on my office floor and answered her biggest question, "What made you email? What's gotten you to this place?". And that's the only thing I have to share right now. The tender part of my heart that I want to offer up in hopes that it will be encouraging and life giving and a soft place for someone to land today. 

I have experienced freedom - first hand and I've seen it with my eyes in others. There are parts of my heart and life that I thought would always feel broken or busted, and the Lord has poured out His spirit on them and made them new and fresh and better than ok. I know freedom, because I know Jesus. But I do not walk in freedom as it pertains to my body and my health. I feel insecure about being seen, having my picture taken, and basically getting dressed. And my head is tired from the back and forth of believing lies and fighting lies, believing lies and fighting them again. 

I know that it is for freedom that Christ has set me free and I know that freedom is already here. I am ready to walk in it, to put some tools in my tool belt and have someone wiser than me speak into my heart and life and diet and fitness. I have experienced freedom and I am ready to experience it in this area too. 

Will y'all stick around as I get tender once again? 
I know I'm not the only one who is tired and longing for the abundant life He already has for us. 

A note on what I'm talking about:

Alisa Keeton is the founder of Revelation Wellness and I'm currently enrolled in her Weigh Less to Feed More program.  My plan is to show up & be honest about what is going on in my heart, but if you're looking for real wisdom and inspiration on body/weight/image freedom - I highly suggest following Alisa as she follows Jesus.  

And if you're local - I'd love to see you at the Jesus at the Core event next week!  Brooke Boon from Holy Yoga will be there as well as Alisa from Revelation Wellness. 

And me. And I can't wait.