the lies I say and what is true

This photo is semi unrelated. it's some of the beautiful women who worshipped with us at The Influence Network worship night. What a joy. I typically hear many lies as it pertains to beauty when I meet new women, but there's more on that below. 

Let's be very honest with each other. 
Some time last week I got an email from Ellen asking when we're going to start up Whole Ladies again - you know, that blog project where we talk honestly about our bodies and our hearts and how they relate. 

What I say to her: "Yeah, Ellen! Let's do that again soon. Next week? Can't wait!"
What is actually true: I was hoping she'd forget about whole ladies. I don't want to talk about whole ladies. My body isn't changing and my heart isn't changing about my body. 

That's the truth. But because I love Ellen and because I love the Lord, I'm writing about it. To rustle up the yuck and hold it out. I just asked Him for wisdom because what in the world to write? I haven't lost much more weight. I don't feel like I've gained any massive spiritual or emotional ground, but I asked Him what to say. 

Then a few days ago, I was in that weird in between sleep and awake place and I was replaying the failures of the day. This isn't a practice I suggest. I was regretting what I'd ordered at dinner and regretting not working out. I was just feeling overly regretful about my body in general. And feeling regretful about feeling regretful. This isn't what I want to be thinking. What am I thinking? What was I thinking today? What have I been thinking and why am I in this place? 

And the idea hit me. What am I thinking? 

When I think icky thoughts about my body, what am I thinking 

and what does the Lord say about that?

When I choose to eat something that is not a healthy option and makes me feel worse, 

what am I thinking? What does the gospel say about that?

When I skip my workout, grab a spoonful of peanut butter and sit on the couch - what is running through my head and what would the Holy Spirit be speaking to me instead?

Now, we're making process. 

Now, I feel like I have something to say. 

And maybe even a plan. It's not a "eat this many calories a day" plan but it is a "use this notebook and take some notes about what is going on in your heart" plan. I am hearing those thoughts that I've let slip through and take over my inner dialogue and I am taking them captive. Writing them down and then telling THEM the truth. 

What I hear: Do it. Order the burger and fries. You're this far gone, what's one more meal?Your body is in such bad shape, one burger isn't going to make a difference. 

Truth: The shape of my body doesn't determine my worth. But this meal and the next and the next and the next determine my health. 

What I hear: You take care of all these people, who takes care of you? You've worked all day and you'll work the rest of the day. Take this minute, enjoy this nasty piece of food. Take care of yourself. 

Truth: God has placed me in my roles and will equip me for them. Even if no one else is checking on me, He is. And He wants good for me. And if I want to take care of myself, eating  junk isn't the way. 

What I hear: Bleh. This day is a waste. I wish I could erase this day. I don't want to meet anyone new or be seen like this. 

Truth: I am seen and known and loved and cherished by an amazing Father. He is the only good thing about me, no matter how lovely or unlovely I think I look. 

What I hear: I should stop working out. I'm weak and look silly and this is hard. 

Truth: Where I am weak, He's strong. 

And that's the whole story. That's my plan. 

I'm really hearing the lies I say only long enough to take them captive and tell them the truth. 

And my heart and body are finally getting healthier by the minute. 

How about you? What's going on with you whole ladies?