State of the heart.

Tomorrow is D-Day. I still have peace. I feel really drawn to Hannah's prayer. I suppose what I can't get over is the idea of how different I feel compared to how I felt when I was pregnant with E. Whenever I felt there was a threat to him, or our life together, I held tighter. I told the Lord, point blank, I didn't think he could have Elias. I couldn't bare it.

The truth is, it has nothing to do with loving Elias more than Glory though... I think it has to do with Him and what He prepares you for. Last night, I was laying in bed and all of a sudden I was really doubting the existence of God. You know when you catch yourself just reasoning it out and saying, "There's no way. We're just all really dramatic people - we're no different from the girl on Oprah who truly believes that yoga is healing her cancer".

I wasn't letting my mind go there because of the struggle. I honestly had forgotten all about my sweet Gloriana and her tender struggle. I went to that place completely on my own. God doesn't exist. That's where my mind is able to go.

Here's the truly psycho part - when I DID remember this fight for peace we're in the middle of - THAT is what brought me out. There is no way a mother could long for a daughter the way I have, envision putting a million bows all over her sweet toe head, strategically plan how to teach her about applying lotion daily (because I believe that's the key to being a gentle lady) - and then have your hopes stolen from you by a stupid test, by a few milliliters of blood and still function.

I know for a fact there is no possible way to walk through that and still be a normal, human, living being. UNLESS - Christ is real. It's not possible to be surfing the Internet & flip from a page containing beautiful, yet really tragic pictures of trisomy babies to a page containing pictures of pink, adorable crib bedding - all the while knowing one of those pages (though vastly different) holds your future. UNLESS Christ exists.

So I've been reading a lot again about Hannah & her prayer in 1 Samuel. After the Lord remembered her and gave her Samuel - she remembered her promise and gave Samuel over to the Lord. He lived away from her, in the temple. This is what her heart was able to say after she let him go, "My heart rejoices in the Lord... There is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God... The Lord brings death and makes alive, he brings down to the grave and raises up... He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap".

A sweet friend prayed this prayer over me when I was pregnant with Elias and later I went back to read and study it. I couldn't get a grip on it - E was already so dear to me, I couldn't understand the purpose in Hannah's sacrifice. I've been laughing at myself over the past few days as I read and reread what I wrote beside this passage in my bible:

"Why want a son so badly only to give him up? What is the purpose? Where is the honor in bearing children? Teach my heart Lord...."

I was so confused - so upset that God would call us to be mothers only to ask that we continually understand children are not OURS. I asked the Lord to teach my heart and He has. Amen.