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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

State of the heart.

Tomorrow is D-Day. I still have peace. I feel really drawn to Hannah's prayer. I suppose what I can't get over is the idea of how different I feel compared to how I felt when I was pregnant with E. Whenever I felt there was a threat to him, or our life together, I held tighter. I told the Lord, point blank, I didn't think he could have Elias. I couldn't bare it.

The truth is, it has nothing to do with loving Elias more than Glory though... I think it has to do with Him and what He prepares you for. Last night, I was laying in bed and all of a sudden I was really doubting the existence of God. You know when you catch yourself just reasoning it out and saying, "There's no way. We're just all really dramatic people - we're no different from the girl on Oprah who truly believes that yoga is healing her cancer".


I wasn't letting my mind go there because of the struggle. I honestly had forgotten all about my sweet Gloriana and her tender struggle. I went to that place completely on my own. God doesn't exist. That's where my mind is able to go.

Here's the truly psycho part - when I DID remember this fight for peace we're in the middle of - THAT is what brought me out. There is no way a mother could long for a daughter the way I have, envision putting a million bows all over her sweet toe head, strategically plan how to teach her about applying lotion daily (because I believe that's the key to being a gentle lady) - and then have your hopes stolen from you by a stupid test, by a few milliliters of blood and still function.

I know for a fact there is no possible way to walk through that and still be a normal, human, living being. UNLESS - Christ is real. It's not possible to be surfing the Internet & flip from a page containing beautiful, yet really tragic pictures of trisomy babies to a page containing pictures of pink, adorable crib bedding - all the while knowing one of those pages (though vastly different) holds your future. UNLESS Christ exists.

So I've been reading a lot again about Hannah & her prayer in 1 Samuel. After the Lord remembered her and gave her Samuel - she remembered her promise and gave Samuel over to the Lord. He lived away from her, in the temple. This is what her heart was able to say after she let him go, "My heart rejoices in the Lord... There is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God... The Lord brings death and makes alive, he brings down to the grave and raises up... He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap".

A sweet friend prayed this prayer over me when I was pregnant with Elias and later I went back to read and study it. I couldn't get a grip on it - E was already so dear to me, I couldn't understand the purpose in Hannah's sacrifice. I've been laughing at myself over the past few days as I read and reread what I wrote beside this passage in my bible:

"Why want a son so badly only to give him up? What is the purpose? Where is the honor in bearing children? Teach my heart Lord...."

I was so confused - so upset that God would call us to be mothers only to ask that we continually understand children are not OURS. I asked the Lord to teach my heart and He has. Amen.

6 comments:

Rachel said...

I love you!!!

KatieEWalters said...

Amen.

Demi Eliese said...

You have your heart set in the right direction. If there is anything you need or just need to talk, just call! 7044216078. We love you guys!

Darien said...

i have always struggled with religion and faith - i am not a very religious person, but i do greatly appreciate other people's faith in Jesus Christ. i can't tell you how touching your entries about little girl baby have been. i'm sitting here crying at work, and mostly because i cannot believe how strong you are, in your faith and in life. your parents and husband must be so proud of the person you are. i hope that everything turns out for the best - if you ever want to talk i'm here.

Sarah said...

I know that we have never met, but I wanted to share with you some comfort. I've gone through 3 miscarriages this year and as a follower of Christ have truly struggled with this attempt at understanding why God does what He does, and understanding why He would ask me to give up my babies. I still honestly don't hav an answer to that question. However, I do believe that there is a plan for my life and there was a reason my babies were called Home (Jeremiah 29:11). But I have felt a real peace and comfort from my very real God.
I read another blog from a family that just lost their little girl to Trisomy 13. You may want to check it out. http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/

May God bless you and bring you peace.

jasonbradley said...

Jess - Kelly and I are amazed to read posts like these and to see the Lord moving in you. We are studying Philippians at MH, in particular Paul's joy amidst great hardship. YOU ARE FINDING THE JOY OF KNOWING GOD AMIDST GREAT HARDSHIP. Thank you for your example. We know the Lord LOVES your little Gloriana. We are praying for her and for you two and we love you.