not a natural.

What does it mean to really know someone? To get them? Knowing their favorites, their habits, their likes and dislikes? I'll tell you what - facebook and blogs and twitter, they give a false sense of knowing someone. Sometimes randomly, someone I don't know well, meaning in person, will make a comment about how they always knew I'd get married & have lots of babies. Or they always thought I was a natural at this. Seriously? Could you have given me a heads-up? Because I thought I was supposed to be something important to the world, someone that I deemed as necessary or needed or loved. 

Now let me back up, because you're probably thinking that I don't think being a mother and a wife is important - but I do. If I didn't love on my kids and change their diapers and make them muffins and read the bible to them, my husband wouldn't feel free, wouldn't feel totally safe in going to be the gospel in the world - whether he is doing it while working construction or at a church. He also couldn't provide for us, which I know makes him feel at peace. And, listen - it's not only indirect ministry by freeing him up to go, it is a very direct connection with a people group that has a deep need. Jesus is using my discipline to teach Elias that he is a sinner with a need to confess & be forgiven. He is using my love to teach all three of them that they are cherished by Him more than they'll ever understand. Most days, he teaches Glory and I at once in our failure to ask for help and roots out our stubborn, selfish, ridiculous desire to do it all ourselves. So, that's good. No - it's great. 

But this doesn't come naturally. What would come naturally to me would be something totally different. So, sometimes at playgroups and church and gatherings - I look around me at these women and it seems to come so natural. They really genuinely desire to be amazing wives and mamas, while most days I get there thru the back door. I wake up with my own agenda, pout for about 45 minutes and then work through the mental steps to remember that this is direct & indirect ministry and that it is important work Jesus is doing. And then, I want to do it. 

So most days, I ask Him - 'Hey, if You knew this is where I was headed - why didn't You prepare me for this? It may have been a little more of a smooth transition if I had dreamed of it or longed for it or if I really found joy in laundry? Don't you think?". On those days, I don't really get an answer from Him, but I feel conviction in my heart now to question His plan, so instead I choose to be thankful for it. I love it. I love it. I really love it, warning or not. 

So today, these words hit that spot and washed a balm over it. 

I hear the Savior say, 

"Thy strength indeed is small; 

Child of weakness, watch and pray, 

Find in Me thine all in all." 

Jesus paid it all, 

All to Him I owe; 

Sin had left a crimson stain, 

He washed it white as snow. 

For nothing good have I 

Whereby Thy grace to claim, 

I'll wash my garments white 

In the blood of Calv'ry's Lamb. 

And when before the throne 

I stand in Him complete, 

I'll lay my trophies down 

All down at Jesus' feet. 

Jesus paid it all, 

All to Him I owe; 

Sin had left a crimson stain, 

He washed it white as snow. 

And now I'm glad it doesn't come naturally. I'm relieved that at the end of the day, it is very simple to see what was Jesus and what was Jessi.

 The good He gets credit for, the rest was me.