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Friday, March 29, 2013

thawing + testimonies + my Savior

part one: 
Thawing out after a frozen season is not such an easy thing to do. I mean, the actual process of thawing is quite messy, right? It's drippy and nasty and there are puddles. I said a few weeks ago that I felt like my heart was thawing out after that heck of a pregnancy. And I meant it. 

But I feel drippy. Take my body for instance. I'm in this body that feels very foreign and unattractive. Being totally honest. And my instinct with this body is to hide it and not draw any attention to it. Sweatshirts, no makeup, no jewelry. Just keep your head down and don't make a fuss. But how will I thaw out, how will I find my spice again if I don't start with some makeup? And the body stuff is just once example. I feel this way in my words and my thoughts and my creativity and my faith. Just keep your head down, Jess. Better to be quiet and unheard and unseen than to be too loud, misunderstood, judged, and unliked. I told my friend Raechel this the other day and you know what she said? "If Jessi Connolly heard anyone else say that, she'd sit them down and have a talk and straighten them out". 

Hayley and I are developing a project for our blogs for ladies who fear they are "letting themselves go". And why are we doing that? Because we're so hip and fantastic and stylish and want to teach everyone how to be like us? I'm not. Hayley can speak for herself. I'm doing it because I'm terrified that the real me is frozen inside and locked up and will get lost. So I'm doing it for me. And for you. 

Let's just get drippy and melty and thaw out together, even if it's messy. 

part two: 
Apparently I just have the wisest friends ever. Because you know what my friend Rachael said the other day? She messaged me and said something to the extent of, "Remember that time you almost bled out and lost Cannon but then you had the conference and the network and the baby?". What she said was so jarring and so good, that is snapped me to life a little. This has been such a crazy blessing of a year and I don't want to get so drowned in my dripping that I miss the ability to tell the testimonies. 

And that got me thinking. Do you have testimonies of His grace + goodness that you let go untold? I sure do. What if we named them and told them more often? Just praised our little faces off with our stories and truths? 

Like, have I ever told y'all I used to be crazy addicted to smoking? I smoked from the time I was CRAZY young (no reflection on my parents, I did a lot of lying too) until about four years ago. In fact, I spent the first few years of marriage secretly smoking. And then the Lord just healed that and took away my massive 12 year addiction. And that is a story I never tell. Why not? Probably because it's a little messy. But I AM messy. And He is miraculous. I want to tell 
His stories more often. He brings death to life and mess to beauty. 

part three: 
Today is Good Friday and this weekend is Easter. 
And I have yearning in my heart to let Jesus transform every nook and cranny of my life. I want Him to be my all consuming thought and desire and passion and I want Him to make my life mean something. I want Him to give purpose to these puddles and these stories. I want people to leave conversation with me and have the scent of Him on them. Not because I am good or I am doing the right thing, but because I am being who He made me to be and letting Him use this mess. 

I want this frozen lady to thaw out. 
Drippy mess and all. 
For the glory of God. 
For the resurrection to mean something as He daily gives me new life. 
Grab a mop and go with me? 

1 comment:

Rici Reid said...

You bring the mop. I'll bring the bucket. Thanks for this post. I love learning from other's honesty when it comes to grace. It's a beautiful thing especially when it's dirty.