The past few days have been an absolute blur and there is so much on my heart but I want to try and get some of it out before my heart forgets - which it won't. First of all, I'm in awe of God and His grace and His sweetness to give the world another jewel as sweet as Gloriana Eloise. I'm flabbergasted at the ability to go from being two single, selfish people to being married... eventually being a family of three and then in a matter of minutes - becoming a family unit of four and that feeling natural. I can't get over that we have a son and a daughter. This is made obvious by the fact that I continually am calling 'Glory' 'Elias' and her a "him". All of these things freak me out & are awesome all at once.
I also can't believe our support system... I don't know what to say to begin to explain that. My sister flew out here on a whim, my mom is coming tomorrow, our few friends here in the Puget Sound Area made plenty of time to visit with Glory & Elias. Even new friends that we already love so much. Faythe, Jimmy, & Lauren were amazing - running the house far more efficiently than we do on a normal basis and just picking up right where we left off with Elias. We felt and do feel - so loved.
Some thoughts on Glory though... I'm overcome with love. I can't believe how little she is. It's actually a joke. We were expecting something over 9 lbs. because of ultrasounds and out pops out this 7 and a half pound little lamb. I can't believe how much I missed Elias and how natural it seems to have two kids and to love them both so much. I can't even start to describe how crazy it is that my love for my husband has doubled with the size of our children. He was already the best dad I knew and now he's the best dad to two children that I know. His love for Glory & Elias is precious and inspiring to me.
Some facts about our little one: She is a ferocious eater - her feeding sessions are literally one hour long on average. But that is a massive answer to prayer - literally, so I'm not complaining. Of her seven pounds, they're almost all in her face & lips... her arms and legs are like skin & bones. I'm a little jealous of her figure. She responds to her Daddy's voice in a really sweet way. She's a great grower - she's eating, sleeping, pooping, & peeing great. Did I mention she's hilariously small?
PLEASE go look at Nick's blog to see the sweetest Daddy/daughter pictures ever. I'll post some more as soon as I get a sec. Right now I've got to go feed my little barracuda.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
Some wisdom tidbits
I'm certainly blogging much more than I thought I'd have time to - life is slower here even though we're so overwhelmed with all we have to do. I know it will pick up once we have girls in the house next week - but right now, even with 20 boxes surrounding me, it's easy to feel like.... what's next? My mom & sister have been bearing the brunt of this too since I've been calling them both a little too frequently. It just makes me feel normal, I suppose.
I just read the first two days of the new devotional Nick got for me on his journey and both were so perfect for this season, I had to share them. We've received so much encouragment about New Beginnings and what we're doing here and I just feel like I need to be a little more truthful about what it's like to be in our shoes right now. We are very much in awe of what God has done through this ministry, and we're very ready to be apart of it - but stepping into a position like this can also make you feel really terrified about losing your personal space, time, and pleasure. Those who know us closely know that we are not naturally selfless people and we're certainly not natural missionaries - just waking up ready to give of ourselves.
So the new devotion - Devotional Classics, features a great Christian theologian everyday and these first two days have been so challenging. I asked NIck for a daily devotional that was meaty & he delivered. The first offering was written by CS Lewis and was called 'Giving All to Christ'. He wrote about how we, as believers, try to wake up in the morning and act more like Jesus - but we end up being miserable because it's just not fun to try and be something we're not. He said we're like eggs - trying to fly, without realizing we must be hatched. To quote... "For what we are trying to do is remain 'ourselves', to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good'. We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way - centered on money or pleasure or ambition - hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly."
He said the solution is to wake in the morning and 'come in out of the wind' of our desires and personal gain. To die to Christ, and get out of bed with His ambitions - His directions - His desires. Wow. I prayed that this morning and will probably need to each morning for the rest of my life.... "Lord, help me come in out of the wind."
..... Today's devotion was the perfect follow up to yesterday. It was written by Dallas Willard and was about discipleship and how we aren't teaching it in the church anymore. He describes discipleship in Jesus' time as going with Him, in an attitude of study, obedience, and imitation. He said that "when confronted with the example and teachings of Christ, the response today is less one of rebellion or rejection than one of puzzlement. How do we relate to these? What have they to do with us?"
The one line I'm left with this from this passage is the following: Non-discipleship costs abiding peace. Nick and I are learning that lesson by the hour here.... when we fail to relent to God's will and when we put our life before His true life - we're left without any peace and anyone to blame. I wish I didn't have to wait to learn these lessons and I really pray that when God calls us away from this season, I'll be just as prone to a life of 'coming in out of the wind' as I'm being forced to experience now. Either way - I'm so thankful for this wisdon and I hope it's helpful to you!
I just read the first two days of the new devotional Nick got for me on his journey and both were so perfect for this season, I had to share them. We've received so much encouragment about New Beginnings and what we're doing here and I just feel like I need to be a little more truthful about what it's like to be in our shoes right now. We are very much in awe of what God has done through this ministry, and we're very ready to be apart of it - but stepping into a position like this can also make you feel really terrified about losing your personal space, time, and pleasure. Those who know us closely know that we are not naturally selfless people and we're certainly not natural missionaries - just waking up ready to give of ourselves.
So the new devotion - Devotional Classics, features a great Christian theologian everyday and these first two days have been so challenging. I asked NIck for a daily devotional that was meaty & he delivered. The first offering was written by CS Lewis and was called 'Giving All to Christ'. He wrote about how we, as believers, try to wake up in the morning and act more like Jesus - but we end up being miserable because it's just not fun to try and be something we're not. He said we're like eggs - trying to fly, without realizing we must be hatched. To quote... "For what we are trying to do is remain 'ourselves', to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good'. We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way - centered on money or pleasure or ambition - hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly."
He said the solution is to wake in the morning and 'come in out of the wind' of our desires and personal gain. To die to Christ, and get out of bed with His ambitions - His directions - His desires. Wow. I prayed that this morning and will probably need to each morning for the rest of my life.... "Lord, help me come in out of the wind."
..... Today's devotion was the perfect follow up to yesterday. It was written by Dallas Willard and was about discipleship and how we aren't teaching it in the church anymore. He describes discipleship in Jesus' time as going with Him, in an attitude of study, obedience, and imitation. He said that "when confronted with the example and teachings of Christ, the response today is less one of rebellion or rejection than one of puzzlement. How do we relate to these? What have they to do with us?"
The one line I'm left with this from this passage is the following: Non-discipleship costs abiding peace. Nick and I are learning that lesson by the hour here.... when we fail to relent to God's will and when we put our life before His true life - we're left without any peace and anyone to blame. I wish I didn't have to wait to learn these lessons and I really pray that when God calls us away from this season, I'll be just as prone to a life of 'coming in out of the wind' as I'm being forced to experience now. Either way - I'm so thankful for this wisdon and I hope it's helpful to you!
Monday, November 5, 2007
A week later
I was talking to my mom last night about the whole Glory ordeal and we were comparing notes about how different we all feel a week later. When people ask me how far along I am, or when I'm due.... I want to go into a twenty minutes tangent about God's grace & goodness. During that whole hard walk - I really anticipated that I'd feel silly or stupid if everything turned out to be okay. I don't feel that way. I don't feel like a tear or a prayer was wasted. I just feel grateful.
I don't think anyone can understand what we went through in those two weeks, except for those who've been through that wait. I know I can't understand what it's like to lose a baby & I know I can't understand what it's like to bury a child and so I don't really expect anyone to understand what our little faith trial was like.
What I do understand, is peace. I also understand my Father's heart much better than I did a month ago. I understand that any trial is hard - small or big. Tonight I was talking to some girlfriends and hearing their hearts and what they're going through and I was just broken for them. Life is so hard - processes on earth are so fallen. Grief, in any form, is not easy.
It's just so hard for me to understand that God gives us His love, peace, & grace so willingly. I will never walk through another trial in my life in a place that blames Him because I've tasted that gift and seen how easy it is to accept. Part of me wants to put a condition on that & say 'maybe I'll revert back to my old ways & complain and moan and curse His name & plan'. But I truly know that I won't. Once you've tasted the simplistic gift of His presence - you're hooked.
So whatever life brings - I'm holding on. I might mourn, cry, scream, hurt, die, fail, fall, question, cry, wait, wonder, cry, kick things, cry.... but I won't do it without Him. I won't push Him out - I won't do it alone. I'll cry, kick, & scream while I thank Him for the gift of His presence.
I don't think anyone can understand what we went through in those two weeks, except for those who've been through that wait. I know I can't understand what it's like to lose a baby & I know I can't understand what it's like to bury a child and so I don't really expect anyone to understand what our little faith trial was like.
What I do understand, is peace. I also understand my Father's heart much better than I did a month ago. I understand that any trial is hard - small or big. Tonight I was talking to some girlfriends and hearing their hearts and what they're going through and I was just broken for them. Life is so hard - processes on earth are so fallen. Grief, in any form, is not easy.
It's just so hard for me to understand that God gives us His love, peace, & grace so willingly. I will never walk through another trial in my life in a place that blames Him because I've tasted that gift and seen how easy it is to accept. Part of me wants to put a condition on that & say 'maybe I'll revert back to my old ways & complain and moan and curse His name & plan'. But I truly know that I won't. Once you've tasted the simplistic gift of His presence - you're hooked.
So whatever life brings - I'm holding on. I might mourn, cry, scream, hurt, die, fail, fall, question, cry, wait, wonder, cry, kick things, cry.... but I won't do it without Him. I won't push Him out - I won't do it alone. I'll cry, kick, & scream while I thank Him for the gift of His presence.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Fun Two Days
Thursday: work=boo
date night=awesome. PF Changs with the honey, spicy scallops & brown rice.
Staci & Ally babysitting=amazing.
Friday=amazing all around
work out with Regi="fun", challenging, and thigh slimming. baby Connolly worked hard.
Starbucks with Kal= lots of Jesus, an afternoon saying things like "the Word is so refreshing, I just want to open my Bible & rub it all over my face!"
nap with Elias=great. beautiful. i love my son.
Greek fest with Kal & Shawn= yum.yum.yum. also - thanks Shawn for going polygamist for the night.
Taking Elias in a massive crowd for the first time=yikes. yikes. don't steal my baby, please.
Missing Nick while he was in seminary= sad.
date night=awesome. PF Changs with the honey, spicy scallops & brown rice.
Staci & Ally babysitting=amazing.
Friday=amazing all around
work out with Regi="fun", challenging, and thigh slimming. baby Connolly worked hard.
Starbucks with Kal= lots of Jesus, an afternoon saying things like "the Word is so refreshing, I just want to open my Bible & rub it all over my face!"
nap with Elias=great. beautiful. i love my son.
Greek fest with Kal & Shawn= yum.yum.yum. also - thanks Shawn for going polygamist for the night.
Taking Elias in a massive crowd for the first time=yikes. yikes. don't steal my baby, please.
Missing Nick while he was in seminary= sad.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Alter Ego #2
... continued....
So since Kalle knows my testimony intimately, here was her response (heavily paraphrased):
"Your whole life before Christ was spent worrying about what people thought of you, and adjusting your personality to try & be what they wanted. Somewhere during your early life, when you felt as if you weren't good enough for the people you needed love from - you developed this second personality - to come out and be the exact opposite of yourself, in an effort to please them. The problem is, even now - when you know Christ & walk with Him - you're still resorting back to that personality, either because you feel threatened or unworthy."
I totally agreed... I told Kal I feel like I'm living Romans 7: 18-20 constantly:
So since Kalle knows my testimony intimately, here was her response (heavily paraphrased):
"Your whole life before Christ was spent worrying about what people thought of you, and adjusting your personality to try & be what they wanted. Somewhere during your early life, when you felt as if you weren't good enough for the people you needed love from - you developed this second personality - to come out and be the exact opposite of yourself, in an effort to please them. The problem is, even now - when you know Christ & walk with Him - you're still resorting back to that personality, either because you feel threatened or unworthy."
I totally agreed... I told Kal I feel like I'm living Romans 7: 18-20 constantly:
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Here were her two pieces of advice for me:
a) Don't make that other person feel threatened. It's your defense mechanism and if you just try and tell it to go away and you just try and quit it, it's going to manifest itself in some other way. Instead, introduce that threatened-defense-mechanism-alter-ego person to yourself. Say, "Oh, it seems you haven't met adult Jessi! She's a believer, loving and walking with God, she is mature and even when she feels threatened - she's okay, because nothing that is against her can defeat her - her Father is behind her. You two should be friends...". That may sound strange and kooky, but the truth is, I have to recognize WHO I am & who I've become.
b) Instead of just dumping that yucky person to the side, use her for good. When she wants to come out and start being stupid, loud, or anything that is contrary to what is going on in your heart - listen to her. See why she feels threatened and address that issue. Let her show you how to have compassion for other women who are reverting to their weirdo alter-egos. But don't ignore her - utilize her when she tries to come out.
All that said, I am very thankful for Kalle & I am really thankful that I'm ready to stop wasting my time living like I don't want to. Christ has given me such life, such joy, & a massive amount of passion. It's time to live that out.
Thank you, alter ego PART1
I have this weird thing about my personality. In real life, I have several - but let's just pretend there's only one big one for the sake of this blog. The one horrible, big, weird thing I do is .... For as long as I can remember, I morph into this completely alter ego about 70% of the time. I've been doing it daily for a really really long time. I do with most everyone I know, and it manifests itself in so many ways - I can't even begin to describe it. So I'll give you a few extreme examples:
- In reality, I am and have been extremely passionate about purity of the heart & body for the past several years. However, for some reason - I started making this joke a year or two ago - telling my unmarried friends, "If you get pregnant - it's okay... God redeems those things." The other night, a few of them were even joking about it -saying it's one of the first things they remember about me. Can you imagine how depressing it knowing that my closest friends don't know one of my biggest passions? or... how even more depressing it is to know that is my fault?
- Another one: in our marriage, submission is completely and utterly important to me. Even though I frequently struggle with it, I don't question it - and there is not a single decision I would ever override of Nick's... there isn't one move I'd make without him. But for some reason, when we're with other couples - I come across as the bossiest, prissiest wife in the world. And I don't like it. One male counterpart of a couple friend even looked at his girl the other night and said "Don't ever say that to me." after I made a condescending joke towards Nick. And I don't blame him.
- Lastly... in my day to day life - I'm pretty cheesy (especially compared to my husband), fairly silly, and not at all serious in comparison to others. In contrast, when I'm with my nuclear family I tend to turn into a pissy, uber-stuffy, weirdo turtle. My sister's favorite thing to taunt me with is "toast, toast" because once on a holiday with the family, I was being so self-important that I refused to give into the silliness of giving a Christmas toast. That's stupid. I love my family & I wish I could toast to their greatness & health daily.
... So that's just what I do. Alot. I hate it & I think about it constantly. I'll finish a conversation with someone and walk away saying, "...why did I say that? why wasn't I real? what's my problem?" . So even though it seems like we talk about it a good amount already, I finally decided to ask my second-favorite counselor, (my first is my sister) Kal, why I do that. Please come read part two for her answers. LIFE CHANGING.
- In reality, I am and have been extremely passionate about purity of the heart & body for the past several years. However, for some reason - I started making this joke a year or two ago - telling my unmarried friends, "If you get pregnant - it's okay... God redeems those things." The other night, a few of them were even joking about it -saying it's one of the first things they remember about me. Can you imagine how depressing it knowing that my closest friends don't know one of my biggest passions? or... how even more depressing it is to know that is my fault?
- Another one: in our marriage, submission is completely and utterly important to me. Even though I frequently struggle with it, I don't question it - and there is not a single decision I would ever override of Nick's... there isn't one move I'd make without him. But for some reason, when we're with other couples - I come across as the bossiest, prissiest wife in the world. And I don't like it. One male counterpart of a couple friend even looked at his girl the other night and said "Don't ever say that to me." after I made a condescending joke towards Nick. And I don't blame him.
- Lastly... in my day to day life - I'm pretty cheesy (especially compared to my husband), fairly silly, and not at all serious in comparison to others. In contrast, when I'm with my nuclear family I tend to turn into a pissy, uber-stuffy, weirdo turtle. My sister's favorite thing to taunt me with is "toast, toast" because once on a holiday with the family, I was being so self-important that I refused to give into the silliness of giving a Christmas toast. That's stupid. I love my family & I wish I could toast to their greatness & health daily.
... So that's just what I do. Alot. I hate it & I think about it constantly. I'll finish a conversation with someone and walk away saying, "...why did I say that? why wasn't I real? what's my problem?" . So even though it seems like we talk about it a good amount already, I finally decided to ask my second-favorite counselor, (my first is my sister) Kal, why I do that. Please come read part two for her answers. LIFE CHANGING.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
I like my husband again.
It took me a few days but I've realized he's pretty important and I basically think he's the greatest again.
Also - I added a new blog to my list, Anne Marie Wicker. Anne is the sister of my best friend from high school, Katie Wicker and she is very very very wise. She's a sophomore at Queens and the last time I checked - she knew a lot about pop culture, which is awe inspiring to me:). It's funny, both Anne & Katie's (Ruby dear) most recent blogs are pretty similar - they both made really truthful lists of positive aspects of themselves. It is thrilling to know such strong women who can say what God has made them to be and be proud of His hand.
So in their honor - but really in gratefulness to my creator - here's my list:
- I love that God made me discerning about people. I feel like I can read a person's heart and character really quickly. I'm glad that he left the door open for me to CHOOSE to look for the good and He asks me to CHOOSE to see them covered in the blood of Christ. But it's still nice to be able to know genuine from not-so-much.
- I love that He is teaching me & growing the desire in me to make others feel good. The other day, this woman came into the shop and she had just had twins. She looked really beautiful and I just decided to make over her and gush over how great she looked. Later, Julie & I were in the back and I was giggling to myself and she asked why. I just said "hahaha... I'm a good person." I wasn't really delighting in the fact that I'm so great and helpful, but I just realized I used to be so resentful of everyone because I thought the success of others (in any area) ultimately meant my failure. Now I know - a woman can be beautiful, wise, and an incredible mother... a married couple can be wealthy, Godly, respected, & stylish... my husband can be revered, peaceful, and content and NONE of those things should have an effect on me - outside of me praising God for those around me.
- Listen - this is for real. I LOVE that God gave me the ability to put together creative outfits. Ya'll should see what I'm wearing to church tomorrow - it's very cute. My new leopard print shoes, a white skirt that I'm wearing as a dress so it hits right at the calves & my favorite little nautical jacket from Urban Outfitters. Tres Tres Chic.
So I dare you - make your list. I think it's time we took our cues from Anne & Katie and stopped thinking about ourselves & the things we don't like. Let's turn our attention to the Creator & praise Him for His work.
Also - I added a new blog to my list, Anne Marie Wicker. Anne is the sister of my best friend from high school, Katie Wicker and she is very very very wise. She's a sophomore at Queens and the last time I checked - she knew a lot about pop culture, which is awe inspiring to me:). It's funny, both Anne & Katie's (Ruby dear) most recent blogs are pretty similar - they both made really truthful lists of positive aspects of themselves. It is thrilling to know such strong women who can say what God has made them to be and be proud of His hand.
So in their honor - but really in gratefulness to my creator - here's my list:
- I love that God made me discerning about people. I feel like I can read a person's heart and character really quickly. I'm glad that he left the door open for me to CHOOSE to look for the good and He asks me to CHOOSE to see them covered in the blood of Christ. But it's still nice to be able to know genuine from not-so-much.
- I love that He is teaching me & growing the desire in me to make others feel good. The other day, this woman came into the shop and she had just had twins. She looked really beautiful and I just decided to make over her and gush over how great she looked. Later, Julie & I were in the back and I was giggling to myself and she asked why. I just said "hahaha... I'm a good person." I wasn't really delighting in the fact that I'm so great and helpful, but I just realized I used to be so resentful of everyone because I thought the success of others (in any area) ultimately meant my failure. Now I know - a woman can be beautiful, wise, and an incredible mother... a married couple can be wealthy, Godly, respected, & stylish... my husband can be revered, peaceful, and content and NONE of those things should have an effect on me - outside of me praising God for those around me.
- Listen - this is for real. I LOVE that God gave me the ability to put together creative outfits. Ya'll should see what I'm wearing to church tomorrow - it's very cute. My new leopard print shoes, a white skirt that I'm wearing as a dress so it hits right at the calves & my favorite little nautical jacket from Urban Outfitters. Tres Tres Chic.
So I dare you - make your list. I think it's time we took our cues from Anne & Katie and stopped thinking about ourselves & the things we don't like. Let's turn our attention to the Creator & praise Him for His work.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Simples pleasures
Seriously - before marriage and pregnancies, I feel like my whole life was about pleasure. What do I want to eat, how long do I want to work out to be able to eat what I want to eat, where do I want to go shopping, where do I want to have a quiet time that will be the most relaxing... Even in pregnancy, I mean - we're not big drinkers at all but sometimes it can be a little easy to feel so limited - no alcohol, no carbs/sugar (diabetes), no caffeine, no Carowinds or rollercoasters, no fast rides on the tube at the lake this weekend (Gibson did try to pull K & I together at around 2.5 miles an hour until we sunk), and the list goes on...
Life is just not about that anymore, but God still makes life so so sweet. So here are my simple pleasures (not including my hot husband, perfectly made son, & wonderful friends/family) as of late:
- I'm finally getting my own computer at work today! I've been using my bosses for the last 4 months.
- On Monday, I got to go to Target all by myself for an hour and use my birthday giftcards. I found a pair of shoes I've been wanting for months - on sale for $6!
- Today I'm going to the mall with Staci before I pick up Elias to catch up on life...
- my $100 from the radio game came in last night!
Okay... I know God is good and living in His abundance should be enough, but these things have really helped this week & I'm thankful for them.
Life is just not about that anymore, but God still makes life so so sweet. So here are my simple pleasures (not including my hot husband, perfectly made son, & wonderful friends/family) as of late:
- I'm finally getting my own computer at work today! I've been using my bosses for the last 4 months.
- On Monday, I got to go to Target all by myself for an hour and use my birthday giftcards. I found a pair of shoes I've been wanting for months - on sale for $6!
- Today I'm going to the mall with Staci before I pick up Elias to catch up on life...
- my $100 from the radio game came in last night!
Okay... I know God is good and living in His abundance should be enough, but these things have really helped this week & I'm thankful for them.
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