oh my achin' heart

I was that mom who dreamed about preschool. 

When Elias was about a year old, I started looking at preschools in Washington state. How much were they? How long did they go? What educational value did the offer? I would make jokes about how preschool couldn't come soon enough. 

I want to punch that three years ago Jessi in the mouth today. 

A few months ago, we decided it was definitely time. Preschool was definitely right for Elias and he was craving school like no other. We knew if he went and Glory didn't, I'd be getting punched in the mouth. (sidebar: where does she GET that violent behavior?!) And so we researched and prayed and put our names on the list. 

And wait, hold up. Is it already September? 

Well, then I suppose it's time for this. 

pre-preschool breakfast

do they HAVE to go? 

i suppose so. 

males of the world, I'm warning you now. Forget her dad. She will CUT you.

toddler ladies. sure, he's handsome and all, but all that hair?!
he'd have to go for haircuts like once a month. his dad sure does.

oh Lord. They're yours. 

So we did lots of talking about salt & light. 
A meet-the-teacher day. 
A few "school supplies" trips to make Benja feel like he's in the cool crowd. 
One sweet bebe may not have made it the whole first day. 
They had FANTASTIC second & third days. 
And just like that, we're a school family. 


Elias LOVES school. He's a natural. 
Glory tentatively loves school. I will say this, I'm incredibly impressed each time I come to pick her up and peek in her class and see her sitting on her spot on the reading rug. For like FOUR MINUTES STRAIGHT. 
Benja, obvi, loves them going to school. I may have set a bad pattern because the past two days he's asked to go to Target and Starbucks, specifically. Oh lawdy. 
And me, I love school. I feel like I'm definitely a school mom. 
I love the early mornings, the three hours with just one kiddo, how precious they are when they return. Somehow Elias has quadrupled in smartness, Glory's cuteness has exploded all over this earth, and Benja... welllllll, we already knew I was his biggest fan. 


And this is our new life. 
And I'm thankful. 
.............................
pppppps: have you seen this new print? 
It is literally my fave so far & I printed one for myself ASAP & framed that puppy. 
Also, the past few weeks, I've been working on a lot of baby announcements, shower invites, and custom prints and I'm falling back in love with custom work. Have a project you need done? Contact me. 

oh, and this one too!

Happiest of Fridays to you friends. 
Call on His great name! 

the notebook

Like most people, when I first started blogging, “document our life” was very high on my list of purposes. And still, one of my favorite things is to look back a year ago or two years ago and see what we were doing, what the kids were up to.  And sometimes now that my purposes have changes I feel bad. My kids, this family, is my actual whole world. And yet it’s a pretty small fraction of this ol’ blog.

And I have good reasons ya’ll, so I probably won’t start blogging about them every day. My main reason is this: the last thing I want this corner of the internet to be is a trophy case where I show off my accomplishments. And at some point as a mama, you start loving your kids so hard that you can’t talk about them without shaking your head and saying, “man, he/she is so cute”.

But I still want to study them and know them. And document them.  So last week I went and bought three little fake moleskins. One for a Naptime Diaries to-do list since it was taking over my real life to-do list. The second was for a life to-do list. Somewhere to write “take off busted nail polish” and “PUT UP LAUNDRY, no for real – PUT IT UP”. The third I labeled “thoughts” and decided I’d just record my thoughts on the kids and our family. My prayers for them, my observations, desires, and silly memories that I don’t want to forget.

So here are some things that have gone in there since Thursday night

-  I love literally the way every word comes out of Benja’s mouth at this age. I want to laugh at all his phrases and words. Sometimes when other people are around, I’ll start laughing and making him repeat the most mundane things. Because they’re so cute.

- Even though it was months ago, I want to etch the memory of Glory waking up from her seizures in my brain.  This week, for whatever reason, I’ve been overwhelmed with the picture. When they told us she wouldn’t wake up for days and we had no clue what she’d be like when she woke up. And I was sitting beside her, stroking her hair and reading Isaiah 61 to her. And Kristin was sitting with us and she confirmed that I wasn’t crazy, Glory was responding. And she popped her eyes open and said “mama”. That memory brings me to my knees in praise.

-       Elias is really the only one in the family who appreciates my modern, interpretive dance in our family dance hour. Whether it’s Katie Perry or Florence or Coldplay,

 he likes my creepy moves.

- One thing I want to work on and get great at is having great beds for the kids. When they look back on their childhood, I want them to remember climbing into a clean, warm, comfy bed - positively exhausted by all our living and loving.

-  Lately I’m overwhelmed by how precious my children are to the Lord, and thus to me. Layla really spurred me in this when I heard her talk about her kids. Now, even if I have to look for the precious under the tantrums and bruised shins, I search for it.

-  Yesterday I was heading out the door to go to a little girl’s breakfast reunion an hour and a half away and at the last minute Glory asked me with her big beautiful eyes if she could go with me. It would turn my blissfully quiet three hours in the car into a mommy-daughter whirlwind, but the face she made when I said, “ok! Get dressed real quick!” was priceless. She actually hyperventilated a little.

-  The kids have GREATLY improved at cleaning up lately. Thank you Lord.

That’s all I've got for now.

I love them. They’re awfully amazing. Thank you, Lord. 

baby day

I promise to not only write about loss and grief and miscarriage from now on all the time, but today is a special day. 

In all my pregnancies, I've always been overjoyed about one thing first and foremost: baby day. The day, however it looks, that you go in and you get that baby. I always wanted to have really natural labors and I love everything about homebirth, but since the Lord didn't write our story like that, I've tried to make the most of our little (sometimes long) hospital visits. I try to relish the crushed hospital ice, the nurses who help me nurse, the friends popping their faces in to smile and see that sweet babe. But most of all, the baby minute - the pinnacle of the baby day, where you hold that sweet babe in your arms and everything in the whole wide world flys out the window. Maybe before you were anxious about how to do it, worried about money, sad about pregnancy weight gain, mad at your husband (never me), sore from labor or about to pass out from blood loss. But there's always a baby minute, when you hold that baby, and nothing in the whole world matters except the inexplicable joy that comes from the gift in your hands. 

Today is Arrow's baby day. I won't get to hold him or cuddle with him or nuzzle him. I won't get to show him pictures of us together, like all our other kids are obsessed with seeing. But it's still his special day, the one that the Lord has written for me to stop carrying him physically and I'm going to try to celebrate that to the fullest extent that I can. Celebrate has three definitions according to the dictionary. 

- to observe or commemorate an event with ceremonies or festivities.

- to make publicly known, proclaim.

- to praise widely or to present to widespread

So since Arrow won't have a birthday or a graduation or a "hooray! we finally potty trained" day or a wedding day, 

I'm going to soak up this day. 
I'm wearing bright minty nail polish and curling my hair. 
I went to buy a new robe because I always buy a new robe for baby day's, but apparently they don't sell robes in the middle of summer in South Carolina. 

God gifted us with a child, that we totally didn't deserve or earn. 

God gifted our hearts with intense, intense joy and gratitude for a

season that we haven't felt really before. 

And He is meeting us in the loss of those things, with Himself.  

But I'm proclaiming today as Arrow's baby day, and I'm going to try and experience all the joy and sadness that will come from that. Thanks for celebrating and praising the Lord with us, through our trials and through His triumphs. 

(it can't go without saying that this day is made much sweeter 

by the faces that will greet me when I come home 

and I am intensely grateful for them. 

here are some shots of their babydays)

elias powell connolly 1.31.07

gloriana eloise connolly 3.14.08

benjamin haddon connolly 5.27.09

my oldest.

Oh, Elias.

Elias right now - you're the epitome of the phrase, "it gets easier and it gets harder".

People used to always tell me about raising babies, "it gets easier and it gets harder".

I didn't really understand until 3 and a half.

But alas, it's not about me and my easy/hard factor of the day.

Here is a little about Ebug.

• We're a little shocked by his academic ability. He's just like his Daddy - don't be fooled by his calm, quiet veneer. He's a genius underneath. The other day I got some preschool workbooks and I was AMAZED at what he knew/could do

• 
  

(Also, yes - he is as handsome as his very handsome daddy too)

• He's incredibly grateful. Seriously. As a mom, there is no way you could feel undervalued. At almost every meal he says, "Thanks mom for this ___________!" without being prompted.
• He really loves The Food Network.
• While trains, planes, and "men" are more his thing - when he throws a ball, it makes me want to sign him up for little league.
• His internal alarm clock is perfect. He pops up every morning at 6:30am on the dot - no matter what time he goes to bed.
• I just asked him what his favorite food is and he said, "grapes. blueberries. um. um. um. um. pizza." He loves junk food more than any of the other Connollys. His dream day would be waking up with mac n' cheese, pizza for lunch, and fries for dinner. But he doesn't protest when I feed him vegan black bean burgers either!
• He loves his brother and sister fiercely. He doesn't love when they touch his "stuff", but he really loves them.

• Elias and Benja have been sharing a room here at Nonny's and it seems to be the perfect set-up for them. Elias just sneaks out when he wakes up and the two of them really love each other.
• Cuddling is still a big part of his life. As I type, he's laying on his Daddy's lap, way after bedtime, soaking up some physical attention.
• A silly, very annoying, and yet still hilarious thing he does lately is talk back. If I say, "Elias - you need to go potty!", he'll say - "No, Mommy! YOU need to go potty!". Which makes me laugh and get mad all at once.

Elias Powell Connolly. I love you at 3 and a half.

You're the best big brother I've ever met. Your sister and brother are so blessed to have you.

We are so blessed to have you. I appreciate that with you around, I never have to worry about a bird attacking me or forgetting my wallet at home - since you're already worried about those things for me. I pray that your cautious, protective nature will make you the best Daddy, friend, and man you can be - but that when it's time, you'll step out of your comfort zone and take risks for the Lord and His glory. I love that you stroke my hand without even thinking about it. That you like routine more than I do. I love that you think I'm dying when I exercise and that it takes you thirty-six minutes to put your flip-flops on.

I can't wait to cuddle with you tomorrow and the next day and the next.

your mama.

hold out for three

I would like to interrupt my non-blogging to tell you something VERY important.

My oldest baby is about to be three.

I will no longer use the phrase "three under three".

I no longer have three babies in diapers.

I no longer have three babies in cribs.

I've got a baby, a wild woman-animal-of-a-toddler, and a kid.

Now this week we're preparing for a three year old dinosaur blow-out and almost sixteen times a day, Elias asks one of us to show him on the calendar how many days left till his party. But he's so excited and a little confused, because he thinks it's his friend Silas' birthday too, since we just celebrated Silas' birthday in um... December:)

So he says, "FOUR days to my/Silas happy birthday dinosaur party??!!!!!"

Sweet thing.

But this post is just to say, if you have any children under three...

hold out for three.

Babies are WONDERFUL. I used to think I was a baby person.

Toddlers are DELIGHTFUL. Toddlers used to rule my world!

But three, oh three.

Laying in bed with him and singing.

Having him pray for his friends and siblings when they're hurt.

Telling me every little thing that's on his mind.

Drawing dinosaurs in the condensation on car windows.

Handling bodily functions all by himself!

I really feel like I'm turning into a mom, rather than a baby caretaker. Now, I was always a mom and you are too if you have a baby - but something about the act of getting to spend more time shepherding their heart and teaching them, rather than holding and feeding them - that is a really sweet gift from Jesus.

And I'm not even joking. As I sit here typing at 6:29am, he just tiptoed out of his room, over to the couch, and climbed in my lap. As he nuzzled up he said, "It's dark Mommy. Turn lights on." And I giggled. Then he stood and and grabbed my hand and said,

"How many days dinosaur party?!"

And now we're off to check the calendar for the first time of the day.

fashion friday, the REAL dilemma

So, it's been awhile - but I'm back.
These days I don't much have time for skirts or shoes, I've got a new house to get ready for.
(where will that house be? family update blog coming soon)

And this is the real question:
WHAT kind of bedding do I get
for Elias' new toddler bed?!



a) the semi-metro/semi-expensive bedding collection that I actually
like & would flow with the decor of the rest of the house? b) the slightly-understated/sort-of-retro cars ensemble
that could make his new big boy room whimsical & fun?

or c) the super-cheap thomas the train bedding that he would be OBSESSED
with & would make him thrilled to go to bed, while it would
make you upchuck in your mouth each time you saw it
because it is well, look at it. Those train faces creep me out.

If Dad says ok, I think I'm going to have to go with option c.
It will make me want to vomit, but it will make his short-little-toddler-life.

preparation day

Here are the things officially left to do on my list:
- clean master bathroom mirror/floors
- clean downstairs bathroom
- put the guest bed sheets on
- wash our sheets
- change the kids crib bedding
- one last laundry load for me & kids
- put gas in the van
- vacuum upstairs
- vacuum the stairs
- write some chores for the girls
- prepare food for kids & nonny
- dust nursery
- finish packing
- print hospital directions for everyone

Last night before I went to bed, I didn't think I'd be able to sleep because my anxiety was actually like crawling up out of my throat to bark at me. I just want everyone to feel relaxed & taken care of and thus - I will feel relaxed & taken care of. For the past few nights I've been waking up sweating thinking "NEW BATTERIES IN THE VIDEO CAMERA!" or "BE SURE TO TELL NONNY ABOUT HOW ELIAS NEEDS TO HAVE HIS LOVEY & PUPPUP KISS EACH OTHER BEFORE BED!" hahahahaha, I'm not even kidding.

But then I woke up this morning and I just felt all that slip away.
Elias woke up at 7:30 and came to cuddle with me, Glory is still passed out at 8:15. Nick just said, "I guess I should get up" and I felt no need to give him a task or start him on a chore. Instead I said, "you can do whatever you want to do!" and I meant it!

If the bathroom mirror gets wiped down, great.
If I get time to make ten peanutbutterjelly sandwiches - awesome.
If not, I will make sure that at the end of today my kids feel ridiculously loved & ready for a little brother, my husband feels excited and rested, and my heart feels really ready to meet a new son.
it's preparation day.

for your viewing pleasure

Quick prefaces:

- Elias & Glory have been passyfree for a week! Praise God! Apparently, without their passy addictions being fed, they've taken up new vices. Elias' is - you guessed it, coffee. Here is he is with a starbucks ornament, faithfully sipping.


- This one is Gloriana saying her new favorite phrase "Alright!" The kids say it all the time, as soon as we reach a destination in the car, when we give them treats after dinner, or just whenever they plain feel like it. Hearing Glor say it is the best though, since she has a little trouble with her r's. Love that Glor.

projecting

I think if we're honest, all moms tend to project at least a little bit on their kids. 

Either, "I've got a soccer player in here!"

Or, "I really honestly think he'll be interested in science -

 you should see the way he stares at his space system crib mobile!"

Heck, I've already decided both of my kids favorite colors. (Orange & Purple, respectively) 

So I've projected on both my kids in utero and on both accounts, I've been totally wrong. 

Elias: When Ebug was in my belly and even his first few weeks out, I was positive that he was a studious, serious, bookworm. He just had this old man face & wise ol' eyes. Look at this face - you think he could write a dissertation for a fun afternoon. 

Now while he is smart, he's much more wily than anything else. He's got a sense of humor like no other, he likes to be a goofball, & books are just now starting to interest him. For like a second. This is much more typical E: 

Now, for my Glorygirl - since I had one cuddly, sweetheart... I pictured a girly version of Elias - just really feminine. I thought she'd want to just cuddle and paint nails all day. Imagine my surprise to find that while she does have a strong desire to wear beads to church, a fun afternoon consists of ripping the pages out of books rather than pedicures. 

Homegirl can hold her own in cagefight, & she is definitely more feisty than flirty. 

MUCH to her Daddy's liking. 

Here's a typical Glor in action: 

But while I still can, I'm going to do some Tres projecting. 

(Oops, I almost just said his name. I can't wait to tell everyone!) 

So, here's my prediction. I think he'll be something like this: 

Yeah, I said it. I think he's going to be a big baby Vince Vaughn coming out of my womb. I told Nick today every time I picture him, I picture Vince Vaughn getting handed to me with waxy vernix on his face & giving me a good nuggie on the head. I think he has the body of my Papa Powell - with octopus length arms & legs and strong desire to make everyone laugh. Dark skin & hair and a little bit of a practical jokester. 

So, I suppose we'll see. 

The truth is - he'll probably be another Nick-Connolly-clone, but 

I've got 23 days to project falsely. 

brother-lover

My poor kids have about six billion nicknames. Elias is E, Ebug, brother, goose, handsome-bandsome (don't ask), & whatever else comes out of my mouth at the time. Glory is worse. Anything to do with beauty-queen, sister, princess, NeNe (her alter-ego from the real housewives of atlanta), she gets it all. 

Yesterday I accidentally called Elias "lover" a few times in an attempt to say "brother". Freudian slip, I think so. 

We're having a little family love day. Both of my kiddos are going on almost two weeks of a bad nagging cold that is making them sweet as pie. They're that good kind of sick where their noses run green and they cough like maniacs, but they want to giggle and cuddle and touch foreheads at breakfast. Elias woke up at like ten pm last night, just to cough and lay between Nick and I as we watched Lost - sweetly holding both of our hands. Glor-glor's two front teeth are almost all the way in, and those big chompers just make me melt when we have a laughing session as I change her diaper. 

The budget is not doing so well that I can get these munchkins EXACTLY what I want to get them for Valentines this week (a push-walking toy for glory and a pretty new headband and a tutu and her first manicure... a big boy bed with cars sheets and blankets and pillows and sixty pairs of armani baby manpants for Elias), but I will take a lovey day like today with them over a plethora of presents. 

I may even pull out my camera this afternoon and snap a few shots of my lovers. 

Thats right, I said it. 

update! update! potty update!

Seriously - I am beside myself with gratitude.
First - I would like to thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the giver of all good things and the mover of bowels.
Second - I would like to make the producers of rice milk and cheerios who caused my son to hit his maximum limit of food intake before he could expel some.
Third - I'd like to thank my husband, who took several different segments of time out of his busy day to sit beside Elias when he became uncertain of this whole "potty" thing.
Fourth - I'd like to my mother for her understanding when I hung up on her abruptly when my son looked at me with a funny face and said urgently "potty!"
And lastly - I'd like to thank my sweet two year old, for being so incredibly nonchalant about the whole ordeal.

The day started off a little rocky, Elias did not want a diaper on, but the toilet freaked him out. He had two really quick little carpet peepees, but even when he put a diaper on for naptime - he refused to go #1 or #2 in it. That boy is JUST like his daddy and when he wants to do something his way, he WILL do it. He kind of danced around with a full bladder all day, not wanting to wet his new cars "man pants" and not quite sure how to overcome his stage fright of the plastic toilet. I was a little worried his stubbornness was going to give him a kidney infection.

Then, around four o'clock pm, his bladder overcame him and he just sat down and did. Filled that whole little bowl like it was no big deal. About an hour later, during dinner, he urgently said the word and went #2 on the pot! AMEN!
Seriously, you know you are a mom when a little poop makes you cry and scream and yell "praise God!!!!". Even Nick was overcome with joy and said, "now - THAT, is blogworthy".

Tomorrow may be filled with accidents and we may not have such victory for a few more days, but we had a TREMENDOUS first day of potty training and I am so thankful.

this time two years ago.

This time two years ago...
I was in a good amount of pain, carrying a good amount of fear and anticipation.

The pain has come & gone, and come & gone again - the fear and anticipation has come in normal ebbs and flows like it should, but the love has grown, grown, grown.

This year you've become the big brother, learned how to walk and then run and then play and then do it all at warp speed. This year you've learned to dance and to sing and give us all the kisses. This year we've seen your heart become more open to others, more sincere with us. We've seen you play in the rain and we've watched you roll on the floor laughing. You've grown to love cars & trains and your sister and doing the turkey wing.

You've become a ham and a servant. We've waited patiently as you've begun to learn patience and while you've grown to respect our authority and learned in your humanity, to buck it. We've giggled as you've covered your mouth to laugh and tried to breakdance with kids twice your size.
We've tickled you and been tickled by you and we've just been amazed at the love God has given us for you. You are our Ebug, our big brother, our silly goose.

It's been a great year, Elias. And I cannot wait for one more.
Love you E.

super hero

I've never wondered what it was like to watch a hero be born. I'm not into superman or comic books, I've not really ever thought about what power I'd like to possess. But tonight, watching y'all, I knew this is what it must be like. When someone decides in an instant that the person in front of them is the greatest they know. Fallible, yes. Sinful, sure. But amazing all the same.

For a few days Elias has been completely enthralled with the our Christmas tree & specifically, the red guitar ornament on the lower right side. First thing in the morning and last thing at night he says, "TEEE! TAR!", and then runs to grab the guitar ornament and hold its it precisely as you would a life-size one. He even uses the front of his hand to stroke the strings. It wouldn't be that amazing, but we couldn't for the life of us figure out how he figured out that is what you do with a guitar. Nick plays, but hasn't ever played in front of Elias and the stage at church is usually so far away. Either way, it was cute.

Thinking back to the ornament, it brings up a million feelings about Nick and guitars. We have two really nice ornaments because Nick's mom was so faithful to encourage that gift in him. She was sure, we were sure, that would be his calling. Then it wasn't and we were confused, but the ornaments stayed because they were special.

So tonight, it dawned on me, let's ask Daddy to play the real guitar. I gave Elias the idea and we asked him sweetly. All while we put jammies on, he said "Daddy tar? Daddy tar? Daddy tar, meeeaseee?" Nick obliged and Elias curled up beside me and it happened. The TV was on mute behind us, sis was crying and startled by the music, but he was mesmerized. My boy who can never stop moving ever, was stuck in a moment of real awe of Christ in his daddy. Soon we realized that Glory just wanted to dance so as I held her and she lifted her nine month little hand into the air and Elias got the privilege of actually holding the pic and strumming along.

The two of them praised Him unknowingly - just because they were created to, you praised Him with your obedience to be present when it would be easier to just watch basketball, and I just thanked Him in my heart for your mom buying all those ornaments. If that was the only reason you were ever supposed to learn to play the guitar, it was worth it to watch you become their hero.

Daddy Days

So, today was such a fun & busy day.

This morning started with a retrieval trip to Lexi's to get Elias' lovey that we had left at group yesterday. I felt so bad putting him down for a nap and bedtime last night with no lovey and no passy - but I was so proud of him when did well without both. (He did cling to a stuffed puppy for dear life) After that I had a fun day by myself, with only one really hectic hour in the midst of it when I lost my keys in between spa appointments. Found the keys, finished up, raced home to see the kids before bed. Nick, Elias, and Glory had an amazing day and the three of them were all smiles when I got in. Nick put Elias to bed - who was thrilled to have his sweet lovey back and I spent a last few minutes with my girl before she passed out.

Nick and I went to The Harmon in Tacoma for dinner and ate like stinking KINGS.
Onion rings for appetizers, sandwiches & garlic fries for dinner, and a 22 oz. chocolate cake for dessert.
We brought plenty of leftovers home with notes written on our take-out box reading, "EAT & DIE". We're serious about leftovers.

When we got in after dinner, I went and took a last glance at the kiddos. Glory - passed out.
Imagine my surprise when I saw Elias sleeping peacefully - WITH HIS PASSY. When he saw me standing over his crib, he immediately slammed his hand over his passy so I couldn't take it. WHAT?! I ran to our room and asked Nick how in the world did he find that passy? Apparently, Daddy was trying to win some brownie points and Elias had it for his nap AND bedtime tonight. If my husband wasn't so handsome, I'd give him a piece of my mind. The two of them together were too cute for me to make a big fuss about it, so we'll just start over tomorrow. Gotta love Daddy days.

Mommy Mandate

So - this is the week.
I'm making an executive decision and we're ridding ourselves of the passy THIS WEEK.

Glory could care less, she thinks the passy is a toy.
Elias - on the other hand - his "sass" is like his right hand.
We've let him have it only in the crib and in hairy situations (going to the nursery or riding in the car), but this week we're saying goodbye.

Any suggestions?

I'm thinking tomorrow I might try the trick of cutting the tip off the passy and still letting him try to suck it. I heard that makes them not want it. Either way - Wednesday, I'm throwing them all out. Not even saving an emergency one.

Pray for us.

elias becomes a man

If anyone needs a distraction from politics - yet again - here is a great one.

It was a long time coming - a few of you are going to be upset, but you need to trust our leadership and guidance and know that we counted the votes a few times. Elias' hair was too long, had to be washed constantly, and honestly - we were worried he couldn't see.

So it started with a trim...

that got a little botched...

but now we can see all those great faces...

and he looks just as handsome as ever,

and looking more like his daddy by the second -

I'll miss running my hands through those golden locks, but all good things must come to an end.

do bai dooooo

I'm not quite sure about half of what Elias says, but we've finally figured out another phrase. 

"Do bai dooo" can be heard around our house when Elias is climbing up the stairs, getting ready to throw the football, or when he wants to jump off the counter into our arms. 

Nick kept saying Elias was talking about going to Dubai, but we still couldn't figure it out. 

This weekend, mystery solved - Do bai dooo is his "one, two, three." Hilarious & Weird. 

Dear Nick:

Nick:
I know I should call you Daddy, but today I am particularly fond of calling you Nick.
Today was hard without you.... I had fun with mom, but I missed you a lot - as always.

After you left for school, we played with the Cowan girls a lot and that was definitely fun. Grace is fast as anything at getting up our stairs and I'm hoping she can teach me soon. She DOES NOT like when I chase her around trying to hug her.

After they left, I took a nap and woke up with a serious vengeance. I was mad as fire & made Mommy hold me for about an hour, even though she was already holding sis. She didn't really mind - but she was trying ot put up some laundry. Then we did a video chat with Ruby, Josh, Abel, AnnaJaye, & Ab... I'm still pretty freaked out by talking to people on the computer, but I'm getting better.

Just before dinner, mom trimmed my hair - which was helpful. She had read some people saying online that the rapture is coming so she wanted to make sure I could see Jesus. She knows you think that is a dumb idea though. (that the rapture is tomorrow, not cutting my hair) I was so frustrated about the haircut, we had to have a Elias-friendly dinner - chips, hummus, & a granola bar. And of course I only wore one boot.



To make us feel normal without you, Mommy took us on our normal trip around our old farm. Mom wanted to take some pictures of us - but I kind of refused to leave her side. She didn't mind. Glory also did her best "wilson from 'Home Improvement'" impression.




We played just a bit more and then got ready for bed. At one point right before I walked up the stairs, I looked at Mama & said in perfect english, "Where's Nick?!" She thought I was too cute to correct me, but she did say tomorrow I have to go back to calling you Daddy.



We love you and missed you today.
We're proud of you for all your hard school work.
See you tomorrow Nick.
love Elias.

how he loves

Tonight I was putting Elias to bed and had a little moment.

We had just been through a rough dinner which ended in him only getting a banana and two spankings. I still had missed so many nights of reading the Word with him, and too many nights of rocking and singing before bed - so I let Nick hold Glor while I put my little man down.

We read about Jesus casting the legions of demons into the pigs - which seemed appropriate - did a little praying, and then just had a cuddle. When he seemed ready to say his cute little "nigh nigh", I pulled his passy out of his mouth and looked at him head on - which is our prompt for him to give me a hug & a kiss. I got my light squeeze and had my already chapped lips covered with his drool, and he was back to looking at me sort of blankly. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, he very intentionally kissed me square on the lips once more and then flung himself onto my chest in a exaggerated hug.

I was struck all at once with the realization that this very occurrence is so rare and probably will continue to be for his whole life. For no reason other than his love for me, he had chosen to give me affection. I didn't ask for it, prompt him to do it, remind him of it, or even motion toward needing a kiss. The reason I believe this is so rare is because there is actually no way Elias could ever love me as much as I love him. Try as he might - my love for him is too much, too big, too out of my control to stop or to compete with.

Once I put him in the crib, I could hear Jesus' heart all up in my ears. When was the last time I showed Him abandoned, unrestrained love just because I needed to express it? When was the last time I wasn't prompted by a song, or a problem, or a friend, or a praise, or a need? Just love Him. How would it change my whole life if I resigned myself to the fact that I cannot love Him in any way near to the amount that He loves me - ever. Not with my actions, not with my obedience, not with the way I talk about Him, or the things I do. My only goal is glorify Him and at my very best human capability - I fail at that. And yet He still loves me.

I had a great professor in college who opened my eyes to a lot of truth about the nature of God - He taught me mind bendingly simple truths like "God cannot not love you. It is not in His nature to not love you and He cannot not be true to His nature." Nick and I's love for Elias is so much like that. We didn't choose to love Him, it's just this snowball that started that is so out of control. Tomorrow, if he refuses to eat all day and gets 32 spankings then two things will still be true: 1) his butt will be raw and 2) I will love him more than I did today.

This obviously makes me crazy appreciative for my own parents, but it makes me overwhelmed with the goodness of God. He loves me out of His own fruition and is even the one who reveals these truths to me to help me slightly understand His love for me just a millimeter more.

my man.

I don't know if I can get enough of my son. Seriously, I love his guts.
I love that he says "thank you" obsessively.
I love how he says the word "no" extremely sweetly.
I love that he likes to play in the rain. See above.
I love that he plays on his new skateboard but is plenty content just to carry it around and say that it is "cooooool".
I love that the little nutter butter crawled out of his crib for the first time today and even though I was scared to death, he cuddled with me for twenty minutes afterward.
I love when he makes his sis laugh just by looking at her.
I love that his second favorite toy is an empty Starbucks cup. Wait, maybe that isn't so awesome.
In general, Elias is one of my good friends and I can't wait to spend tomorrow with him again.
Enjoy.