we're having a....

I seriously can't watch that video without dying laughing. 

She eventually calmed down. Eventually. 

In all seriousness - what we're having looks to be a very healthy baby. 

Thank you all for you prayers over the last week or so. The big, big, big scary problem that my doctors thought I was dealing with looks to be more like a much less big, much less scary problem. I'm still on "light rest" - no more running that 10k or standing up for too long but I will take that ANY day over serious problems for me + baby. 

This weekend, I've let my heart get attached all over again to this baby. 

Picturing bringing him home and cuddling him and singing him to sleep. 

Watching him wrestle his brothers and bless his sister.

I always hoped deep down I'd get to be a mama to three boys. 

And now, I have that precious princess thrown into the mix too:). 

Again, thank you for praying for our family. 

We will repay you with MANY adorable and precious baby boy photos come early 2013. 

That's a promise. 

the backstory.

Well, you guys. Thank you for being so excited with us. 
We are so stinking excited. 
SO. STINKING. EXCITED. 


So some details? 
Anyone want to hear? 
It's a story I want to tell:). 

me at 3.5 weeks feeling so PREGNANT. ha.
Nick the day we found out. That's his really happy face.
the test. Nick said we had to get the nice test for this go-round. 

- It wasn't planned but we weren't sad in the slightest. Shocked. But grateful. 
- I'm about 12 weeks right now, but we found out RIGHT at 4 weeks so woosh, it's been a long wait to tell people. 
- The kids know and they are over the moon excited. Their first responses were things like "oh! you don't ever need babysitters! we'll babysit!" and "let's name it Henry!" and "Can the baby sleep in my bed?!". They've been so precious. 
- I've been sick like a dog since 5 weeks on the dot. I've never had a pregnancy like this. It was six weeks and five days of the most intense nausea, fatigue, and general awfulness. But it was God's grace to me because when I'd feel ok for an hour or two, I'd be scared I was miscarrying.

(on that note if you're waiting on an email from me or anything in general, now you know why. I'm slowly working out of the black hole of first trimester! feeling better every day!) 

the blessed ultrasound that showed one beating heart.
my new favorite position. I developed some serious narcolepsy in this pregnancy.
food is of the utmost importance these days. 

- I knew with my whole self that I was expecting at about 3 weeks. But my patient man had me wait to find out so we could make it special. One day on vacation, we went on a lunch date and I took a test in the bathroom without looking at it. I kept it in my purse till we both couldn't wait any longer. We fist-bumped, kissed, I cried, and we got some chocolate cake to celebrate. 

- I am showing, but not in a cute way. bahahaha. In a everything-looks-a-little-soft-around-the-whole-midsection kind of way. 

- Now that I'm back in the land of semi-normal-eaters again, I'm craving two major food groups: fresh, raw vegetables (YAY!) and disgusting processed food (OH LORD). Think veggie sandwiches and microwaved egg rolls. Taco Bell and homemade hummus. Papa Johns and sliced red peppers. No meat. No dairy. Lots of mustard on everything. EVERYTHING. Nick has yet to let me succumb to my Taco Bell desires because he keeps telling me it's a "slippery slope". He knows Benjamin was basically grown from bean burritos and we're trying to avoid that route again. 

- We WILL find out if it's a boy or a girl and I have pretty much no suspicions either way right now. Glory would like a girl and the boys would like a boy:) Either way, we will be thrilled! 

Thanks for letting me indulge in all my stories. 

I've been so excited to tell ya'll. 

I promise to keep the food craving and bodily change posts to a minimum. 

For the most part:) 

three years

I got pregnant with Elias on May 18th, 2006.

I'm writing this post a few weeks early, just because I'm thinking about that day - thinking about the past three years. How they've been filled with joy and excitement, pain and irritation, expectations met and those that have fallen really short.

I'm also writing this blog a few weeks early because tonight I found the video my sweet stepdad filmed while my mom, my sister, and I took the pregnancy test(s) that let me know I was gonna be a mama. I'm so glad I watched it - oooh, I just laughed and cried looking at us. Me, repeatedly calling Elias "Joaquin" - since I was sure that was going to be his name. My sister, definitely crying more than I was. Telling Nick over and over again as I called him to tell him the news, "our lives are changed forever! our lives are changed forever!". So many things struck me about that video - but one thing that I didn't expect to feel was really
thankful for the changes I see in myself.

When I think back to May-2006-Jessi, I know for sure that she is immature and not really all that wise (not that may-2009-jessi is, either), but I always kind of think of her in this fairytale sort of light. Oh, she was skinny. She had time to do her hair and always had her nails done, roots covered. She may not have the patience or servanthood of someone who cleans up after two other people's poops all day, but surely she had some insightful things to say - since she seemingly had the time to form coherent sentences and complete thoughts. And of course - you'd expect her to be much more pleasant without all the contractions and back pain and constant itching and distracted attention to two little other ones.

But I was amazed to find - I really didn't want to be her anymore.

Sure, her stomach was a little flatter and that cute green dress fit her much better - but she looked just a tad self obsessed, watching herself in the mirror as much as she watched the pink lines forming on the stick. Her voice was a little more stable and certainly more well-rested sounding, but her words were focused on the girl in the mirror & no one else. For the first time in a long time - I just didn't want to be her.

It's been three years. Twenty six of these past thirty six months have been
filled with pregnancy - I've been sharing my skin with someone else for
72% of the last three years, and I am so thankful for where that has left me.

Thank you Jesus for every stretch mark, every contraction, both c-section scars, the roots, the sleeplessness, the weariness, the selfishness glaring back at me from the mirror every morning that makes me reevaluate every little detail of my heart.

Thank you for the headaches and the tears, the cuddles in the middle of the night, the toddler puke stains on my carpet, and the snot left on the shoulder of my favorite sweater.

Thank you for all the glamorous expectations I had that just never came to fruition. Thank you, instead, for the beautiful reality that replaced my warped and painful sense of self.

In the past three years, I don't think I've become anything to brag about - but I do know I've slowly started to become a mama - and for that,
I am more grateful than words can describe.

oh they places you'll puke.

WARNING: do not read the following if you can't handle a little pregnancy puking stories. I figure if I have to live through it, I may as well laugh about it.

• The other day we had a team of people working at our home, like for a service project. There were a few adults, but mostly middle school aged preteens. Coincidentally, the same morning - all our water was broken which left me without a toilet to puke in. Right after breakfast, I felt it coming on and felt a little panicked - where to puke? WHERE TO PUKE? All of a sudden, I'd waited too long and I burst outside to relieve myself. When I looked up, about six prepubescent teens were staring at me. Nice.
  

• I usually stop puking around four or five p.m., which is a nice little gift from the Lord. But two nights ago, at 10:30 pm, I was feeling horrible and trying to ignore it until it overcame me. The only problem is that I was tucked in bed and our toilet is around 15 feet away. I think I actually made it in two large bounds and walked back into our bedroom to hear Nick laughing. So much for "morning" sickness.
  

• Today I was at Kelly's with the kids having a nice little playdate. After changing two poopy diapers, I knew my ticket was up. I preemptively made my way to her guest bathroom and did my business. When I made my way back out, I commented on how nice her fall bathroom decorations looked. She said something to the extent of, "Men could never do this!" Now my husband is TOUGH, but yeah - I don't think he could puke & simultaneously admire a friend's decorating.

I know it's gross, but if I don't laugh - I'll just be annoyed!

three under three

March 14th: Gloriana Eloise Connolly is born. Ah-mazing.
Around April 1st: Realize sweet Glory has colic and reflux and decide - while she is amazing - two children is enough.
summer of 2008: feel quite sure the baby maker is closed, for now. Jesus teaches me a lot about patience and timing and asking Him what He wants. Am also terrified of taking care of three kids. 
August 9, 2008: my entire heart shifts in one day. While Nick and I are on a date night, he gets teary eyed talking about how much he likes our kids - what good people they are. After praying, we decide the Lord is saying the baby maker is not closed... if we really believe scripture, than we believe children in our youth is a blessing. Confused though, because I don't seem to be ovulating at all. Begin praying for twins. Post about said prayer here.
September 23, 2008: get diagnosed with autoimmune thyroid disease and am told probably not ovulating and should not get pregnant - too risky until levels are normal. Make appointment to meet with OB to discuss natural but reliable birth control options. Feel excited about this decision sort of being made for me.
September 29, 2008: night before the ob appointment. Nick is away at school and I have the weirdest night ever. The night before I had a dream that is only recurring for me when pregnant and I also am praying all day about why I'm so obsessed with Jon & Kate plus 8. I tell Lauren about the dream at 10pm and realize during our conversation - I don't need a test to tell me, I'm definitely pregnant. Test does confirm and I wait up until 1am to tell Nick. He's thrilled - thanks God. I'm scared to death but read this scripture and feel some peace.
September 30th, 2008: Go to OB appointment made for birth control conversation and tell them it's just not necessary. Hormones confirm I'm definitely pregnant. Have ultrasound - no baby found. Told I'm most likely having a ectopic pregnancy - will miscarry & maybe need surgery. Told to go home & wait.
Following days: pray a lot, cry a little. Feel confused and then ultimately a lot of peace. I have two kids - they are amazing blessings. I want to have open hands - take them when I can and know that God will take them when He needs to. Have a hard time talking about the future - is a surgery ahead? A baby? Is this our twins? Is it 17? Throw up about three times a day and wonder, and wonder, and wonder.
October 16th, 2008: It's the night before the ultrasound. I can't even think straight I'm so excited. I don't really have any fear about it being ectopic. I hope I'm not being naive - I just don't think it's going to happen. Either way - God is good. Either way - I'm already extremely blessed. Either way - I kind of need to go puke right now.

October 17th, 2008: Just got home from the ultrasound where we saw one sweet little baby. Not two, not seventeen - just one. Due in June - hmm... good time for family to come and visit. 

I am thankful beyond words. 

Family is all told. Despite all my talk about not making a big deal about it, Lauren just came home with a stuffed animal, maternity shirt, target giftcard, nausea medicine, dark chocolate & shredded wheat - my favorite post-puking food. She said it best - when else do you find out you're having a third baby? 
Three under three, Lord - let's do this. 

last pregnancy pics

Here's a few shots to tide everyone over until she's here!
... Katie & my I love Ruby shirt.
... Faythe, Katie, me, & Kalle.
... Elias checking out the belly for the last time.
... Some sweet last day with my "baby" moments.

We're on our way to the hospital!

slowly taking the ride to crazytown

DISCLAMER: This post is long, all about pregnancy and the insanity of women, and does include some graphic content toward the end. Read at your own risk.

There is just this point in pregnancy - for me at least, around 35-36 weeks - where you hit all out insanity in your mind. Faythe, our awesome assistant & friend, and I joke about it constantly. You get to this crazy place where you're pretty convinced that at any moment you're quite likely to go into labor or you're possibly already in labor. Even though all reason is against you and all normalcy tells you otherwise - you're almost positive that you're at least nine centimeter dilated and the baby is pretty much hanging out between your legs.

I suppose for women with high-risk pregnancies or just extremely sane demeanors - this isn't a problem, but for the rest of it - it's inevitable. Let me give you some examples... I remember the night I took my pregnancy test for Elias - with my mom and sister, so excited and so scared and so excited all over again. While I was sad I wasn't with Nick, in hindsight we all agreed it was better because they just freaked out with me and Nick's calm demeanor may have frustrated more than encouraged me. Thankfully - Katie and Mom weren't all giggles and grins... my mom came through with some sound advice. We had just figured out my due date online and she very sternly told me - "You need to remember to just add two weeks to this date...you don't want to keep thinking you're in labor at the end, going to the hospital and getting sent home." ha ...

So Elias was due February 5th, and naturally I began to imagine him here by the 19th, right? THEN CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY I LEFT A WEDDING EARLY ON DECEMBER 14TH - POSITIVE I WAS IN LABOR? I went as far as to address the bride & groom on my way out, telling them... "I really do wish I could stay, but I've been having contractions all night and I'm pretty sure he's coming!" I'm an actual freak of nature. In my own defense, however, women in my family have a crazy propensity towards Braxton hicks contractions (false labor) - which start for us around six months and don't really let up. These suckers often hurt, badly; the only problem is they don't actually do anything to your cervix.

My madness with Elias only continued... I went to a movie on Christmas Night - I had forgone all traveling in case I suddenly pushed out my son, and began timing my Braxton hicks - sure I needed to go to the hospital. And my mom, well I have to rat her out... the one time I did finally get the guts to go to the hospital and did inevitably get sent home, my mom and sister were right there with me - convincing my midwife I truly was in labor. I had to feel proud of my mama bear when midwife Betsy simply said, "I could tell she wasn't in enough pain when she called to say she was coming into the hospital" and my mom retorted, "WELL, I talked to her just before that and trust me she was in PAIN. And why didn't you tell her that over the phone before she came up here and we drove from out of town?!” That was on January 26th. I love the women in my family, they are amazing.

So the point is... this pregnancy, I'm trying VERY hard to keep my wits about me. Sure I asked them to check for dilation at my first OB visit when we got here, but only because it had been such a strenuous move. And yes, I did wake up Tuesday on our last day of vacation this week with a contraction so hard I began to pack and flutter about the hotel room - trying to figure out how quickly we could get back to Puyallup - ferry & all. (I did stop after a few minutes & thankfully, I didn't wake Nick up) Faythe is keeping me in check and the girls aren't assisting my insanity in the least... being that they've never given birth before and aren't having any contractions yet, each time I'm in pain one of them simply suggests that I probably just need to pee. I fully intend on using this line when they're in labor.

Here's my point - I'm taking the blame fully off myself and placing it on the medical community. Last night as I lay in bed from 3am to 6am with contractions, I slowly reminded myself time and again - you aren't in labor - you aren't due for three more weeks. It is not time. Do not ask your OB to check your cervix tomorrow - you are not dilated. And then... what did that rascal gyno do this morning - "Well good morning Jessi! I was thinking - let's check your cervix real quick, that’s such a big girl and you have such a heavy schedule. Ooooh, looky here! Two centimeters dilated and nearly totally thinned out! I wouldn't be surprised if you're not pregnant by this time next week! I don't think you'll need that appointment next Wednesday, will you?"

Sorry lady, I just don't buy it anymore. I know you really won't do this c-section till Glory can wave at us or my water has broken in three confirmed locations at least. I also happen to understand very well that you are the dark angel of false hope and I'm just going to sit back and relax. No more crazy talk for me. Right?

NOT on my list of things to do:
Pack and obsessively repack for the hospital because I used my robe this morning and it needs washing. Shower thrice daily just to be sure I’m clean in case I go into labor. Stockpile batteries & nipple cream. Take castor oil, insert primrose oil in a place I shan’t mention, or force my husband into relations with me in the hopes that I can induce labor on my own.

DEFINITELY on my list of things to do:
Perhaps get some baby stuff ready – like an infant car seat… Maybe, if I feel like it… when I get around to it. Spend a lot of time with Elias. Pray for and write to my Glory girl. Take Tylenol PM nightly to ward off any middle of the night contractions that would lead me to insanity. Plan on seeing that sweet little babe on the date she is definitely scheduled to get cut out – and not a second sooner.